A Thing of Junky

05.25.08 (8:29 pm)   [edit]

Hi, I wrote as a case of “what if.” What if Gia didn’t get AIDS and lived long enough? What if Gia kicked her drug habits before it lead to her downward spiral? What if Gia and Sandy’s relationship lasted long?

Well I created an Alternative Universe story that came up with my idea of “what if.”

They were staying in a two story vacation home on the Canadian side of the Cascade Range. The house was basically surrounded by the numerous conifers that populated the area. The house included a pasture with a few white stallions. This was the idea setting for Gia and Sandy for they were far away from the blinding lights of the camera flashes, the annoying paparazzi troops that stalk them, the demanding photographers, the shallow discotheques, and the hisses of their former lovers. This was a perfect place for Gia and Sandy to spend some precious quality time together, something that was next to impossible in New York. They were there for four days before I paid a visit to them.

“This is a wonderful place Gia; I really don’t wanna leave here anytime soon. It’s one of those few moments in my life where I don’t mind being away from the craziness and fast-paced world of New York City.” Sandy said.

“Neither do I.” Gia said, feeling that she had found a sense of inner peace that she’s been longing for most of her life.

Little did they know that I was able to find where they were staying. It wasn’t so hard to find them since it was the only place in the area that had a Pontiac Firebird with a neon-glowing Pennsylvania licence plate frame parked, and yes the license plate was personalised.

Gia then gave Sandy and deep and passionate kiss that made Sandy quiver. While they were busy with each other I was able to break into the house quietly. I must admit they chose a good vacation home, too bad they won’t be able to enjoy it for long.

I went upstairs heading towards their bedroom with my Magnum on my side. It wasn’t too hard to find the bedroom since I could hear their loud moans and groans in the hallway. Now that I’m near the door it’s time for me to straighten out the situation. As soon as I got close to the bedroom door I kicked it open. That really startled Gia and Sandy, who had their fingers in each other’s smelly cherries. Sandy screamed like hell when I entered.

“AHHHHHHH! Who are you and what are you doing here?”

“For your first question that’s for me to know and for you to never find out, and for your second question I’m here to straighten you two lawnmowers out…but first put on some god damn clothes! And while you’re at it spray some Lysol up in here, this place smells like a god-damn wharf!”

“How da fuck didja geddin here?” Gia said to me angrily while she was busy putting on her extra-tight Bebe T-shirt she got on sale at Macy’s. I should have slapped the shit out of that guidette for back talking to me.

“The home security in this damn place ain’t worth shit! While you two female-faggots were busy playing with each other’s pussies, I was able to break in with ease.”

Gia was about to pull her switchblade on me, but I quickly pulled out my Magnum with my left hand and was aiming right at her head.

“Don’t even try it bitch.”

“Yanno you ain’t no tuff goy! I betcha can’t even beaddup yo own mutha!”

This guinea pig doesn’t know me too well does she? I’m a muscular 115 kilograms and nearly 2 metres tall man that is diverse in various fighting styles and have killed many butch fags and bulldykes with my bare hands. Well since she always wanted to BE LIKE A MAN, I’ll give her this opportunity to try and fight me so I give that lesbica a BEATING LIKE A MAN. Hey I read that stupid book “A Thing of Beauty.” I know that she tried to make herself a boy so that her father would love her better.

“OK Gia Pet, let’s take care of this the old fashion way because it’s time for me to straighten you out. Come and give me your best shot you pussy-eating, titties-sucking bitch! I’m gonna take you down like how I took down another model, Tila Tequila (1).”

So Gia put on some canvas Slip-On Keds then she came rushing to me. She tries to throw a right hook at me but I blocked it very quickly. It wasn’t that I was afraid of her punches; it was that I was afraid of those sticky fingers touching me. Then I gave her some good solid punches to her stomach and then a knockout left hook to her chin. She was down for the count. That gave me some time to focus on Sandy.

“Why are you doing this to us?”

“Because you’re a sexually-confused, pussy-eating slut!”

“But I’m 100% straight!”

When she said that I couldn’t stop myself from laughing at that ridiculous comment, I mean come on…

“Yeah right, and I’m 100% American!”

“You’re not!”

“No bitch! Not even 1%”

As well, I quickly grabbed her head and slammed it on the bed stand. Then I grabbed her sandy blond hair and dragged her to the hallway. She tried to scratch me along the way with her Lee Press-On nails but I quickly grabbed her hands and snapped each of her fingers backwards. Then I brought her down to the steps and threw her down to it. While she was tumbling down the steps I was laughing my ass off.

When she finally got down to the step I came down there and picked her up by her hair.

“Since you have no problems swinging both ways let me introduce you to someone else who also likes to swing both ways.”

Thus I pulled out my favourite weapon, The Solution. It’s a modified cricket bat with a titanium core in the middle so it will have a stronger effect of straighten out those sexually confused nymphos. I got it from my trip to England. (1)

“This is for lying through your teeth on ABC.” CRACK!
“And this is for having an annoying New York accent.” CRACK!
“And this is being stupid enough to date and fuck Gia.” CRACK!
“And this is for eating Gia’s clam linguine.” CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

By now she was no longer pretty, she was bloodied, beaten and was hardly able to stand. This was the perfect time to finish her off, so I tied her up tightly on a table with barbed wires that I brought with me. What I was about to do was going to be excruciatingly painful for Sandy and she would be screaming in agony, so I got a filthy rag (one of those stupid rainbow flags fags and dykes like to show off), wiped my dick on it and then shoved it in her mouth. Then I got my branding iron and heated it on their stove. When it was a bright orange-yellow color, I grabbed it and burned the word “DENIAL” on her forehead. When I was done I pulled out a mirror so I can show her what I did to her, she was now in tears.

“Well now trashy cunt you ain’t so pretty anymore? None of your makeup skills will cover that.”

It made her cry some more but it also gave me a reason to laugh at her some more. I also brought with me a small yet powerful generator that had two leads attached to it. So I turned on the generator and told Sandy a few words:

“Sandy you might consider yourself 100% straight, which is a laugh in itself, but my own version of electro-shock therapy will make sure that you will always be 100% straight.”

Now she was wailing and moaning like Anita Baker, and they say New York girls are tough…that’s bullshit; they’re weak pussies just like the rest of the bitches in America. Besides, that’s what she gets for tongue-twisting Gia’s…”

“Does a little bit of electricity scare you bitch? You shouldn’t be since you have no problems going AC/DC.”

So I finally put the leads on her temples. First her head and then her body started to shake. After that her eyes popped out of her socket and she started to foam in her mouth, however I wasn’t going to stop yet. Finally her head explodes.

“Well at least she went out with a bang…”

Now it’s time to play one of my favourite games: Whack the Wop!

So I went back upstairs and found that guidette Gia still lying on the floor unconscious. But before I send Gay Gia a one-way ticket to hell I had to put on some music. It gets me in the groove when I kicking somebody’s ass. I got my iPOD stereo system and started to play an appropriate music for this setting: Laid Back’s “White Horse.”

I was about to grab her by her arms but then I remembered how greasy Italians are, so I grabbed her by her hair (not very hard to do, there’s a lot of that on an Italian), but it was laced with a whole lot of Aqua Net. I smacked that lesbo-ho so hard, those big-ass fake gold-hoop earrings she was wearing flew off of her.

She woke up and told me “Whaddaya want? Whya doin dis to me?”

“You want to know why?”

“Yeah!”

“Cause you’re a Dumb Dago Dyke!”

“No I’m not, Imma intelligent Italian lesbian dats very ahticoolait!”

When that Dumb Dago Dyke told me that bullshit I busted out laughing.

“You articulate? HAHAHAHAHA! Now that’s some funny-ass shit. Sylvester Stallone is more articulate than your uneducated, excuse me I mean unedjumacated ass. Well since you’re so god-damn intelligent, tell me what does this expression means: Batti il ferro quando è caldo.”

“Howma s’pos ta kna whaddit means? I dunno Swedish or Chinese!”

Right then and there any sense of composure I had was gone, for I was literally rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. When I got back my composure I sad to her:

“God damn bitch you’re stupid! Hey Gia, I know that you’re into smack, so I brought some for you.”

Gia’s eyes lit up really big when she heard that, she simply responded “Really?”

“Yep, here it is…”

So with all the power on my left hand I smack that shit out of that Dumb Dago Dyke. Then I started to smack that spoiled guinea brat all over the place, like how Carlo smacked Connie around in “The Godfather.” That Dumb Dago Dkye started to cry.

“Please stop it!”

“Shut da fuck up bitch! No one’s going to save your bearded clam-smacking ass. Not Angelina Jolie and her big-ass lips, not Stephen Fried, not Maurice Tannenbaum, not Rob Gay, not Sharon Beverly (or whatever her real name is), not Karen Karuza, not that trashy cunt Janice Dicksucker I mean Dickinson, not your flaky aunt (Gia’s youngest aunt), not your fucked-up brothers, not your self-absorbing mother, not any of those pathetic losers who created website/forums/Yahoo Groups sites about you, not David Bowie, not Rocky Balboa, not Ralph Macchio, not Arthur Fonzarelli, not the Corleones, not the Sopranos, not Mario, not Luigi, not even King Bowser and the rest of the Goombahs can save your olive-oil ass so fuhgeddaboudit! Oh yeah, and certainly not Sandy Linter can save your junkie ass because I killed that flaky bitch!”

“WHAT! NOOOOOOOOO!!! Ya killed my reason fa livin!” By now she was literally in tears and had curled up in a foetus position.

“Is that so? Then you should have no problems when I do this to you:”

So I grabbed that lesbo-slut and slammed her in the wall twice, then I dragged her to the washroom and slammed her head in the toilet.

“Why are you resisting? You’ve tasted piss many times.”

I grabbed her by her hair and threw her down to the floor. Then I stomped the shit out of that junkie dyke but I made sure that I didn’t step on her throat, I was afraid that a hairball might come out and hit me. She was bleeding a lot now, most of it coming from her track marks. After that I grabbed my other branding iron (this one was electrical, so it was already heated) and told her this:

“Remember when I told you the expression batti il ferro quando è caldo? Well this is what it means.” So I struck her with the branding iron and branded “DUMB DAGO DYKE” on her forehead. She was screaming in agony. Since I’m not one to miss out on an opportunity to pour salt on a deep wound I told her this:

“Gia let me tell you the mother fucking truth, Sandy never gave a damn about you. She used you just like how that mixed nut Anne Heche used that dirty dyke Ellen. You was never anything special to her, you were just there until something better (a man) came along. And that’s the real reason why you’re a Dumb Dago Dyke.”

Now it’s the time to finish her, so I pull out my other favourite weapon, the Raging Bulldagger. It’s a sharp, strong, and sturdy bull dagger with a bull's head at the bottom and decorated with sapphires on one side and black triangles on the other side. It’s made for those spoiled, pathetic, stupid, junkie dykes like Gia.

But when I was about to use it on her, I was looking at the pasture outside. It gave me a better idea. So I threw that jukie lesbo through the window on the second floor and she landed on the pasture. I came to the pasture, grabbed Gia by her hair and got on the horse. While I was riding the horse, I was also dragging that druggie along by her hair. When I found a good place I tied a rope on a tree branch and put the noose around her neck. Gia was sitting on the horse when I was doing this.

“Well Gia, that’s what you get for riding on the white horse and also for eating too much pussy you Dumb Dago Druggie Dyke! It doesn’t matter really if I kill you or not because you’re a self-destructive bitch! You might be off of drugs right now, but knowing your history it will only be a matter of time when you’ll get back on that shit. You’re spoiled, stupid, irresponsible, unappreciative, manipulative, a junkie and worse of all a dyke! Those things make a deadly combination for self-destruction.”

“So what I’m about to do should be considered a favour for you and more importantly for everyone else.”

So I hit the horse on its rear and the horse galloped away, leaving Gia hanging from the tree. She died moments later.

EPILOGUE

A few weeks later I went to visit Gia’s grave at Bucks County, Pennsylvania (near Philadelphia). I figured it was only right to pay a tribute to her, so I unzipped my pants, pulled my dick out and pissed on her grave.

“Beloved daughter…more like bratty dyke!”

The End so fuhgeddaboudit!


Story Name: A Thing of Junky: An Alternative Universe fan fiction of Gia Carangi and Sandy Linter


This is dedicated to Kathleen Carangi-Speer: This is what you get for not spending time with your children and for treating them like shit.

And to Sandy Linter: You’re a bleached-blond, bi-slut bimbo that’s leeching off of Gia’s popularity

A shot AT Tila Tequila

05.20.08 (9:55 pm)   [edit]
Title: "A shot AT Tequila" or "Tequila Sunset" (pick your favourite)
Author: DaSolution
Rating: R or M
Warnings: Language, Violence
Summary: I paid a surprise visit to Tila Tequila.
Disclaimer: Don’t own any of these characters or people in the story
Note: I changed a few things from Tila's real life for the story.

That was the best time I could have done this. I wanted to do this for a long time but due to my busy schedule I could never get around to it. It's time for me to pay a visit to Tila Tequila. For those who don't know who Tila is she's a model that had her own reality dating show. It wasn’t that much different from the rest of those mutha' fuckin' reality TV shows that are congesting the airwaves and cable boxes. Ever since "Survivor" aired, prime-time TV has been saturated with these pseudo-reality TV shows. It's much worse than the variety TV shows that used to clog up the airwaves during the 60s and 70s.

She was with Bobby for only a few days before they broke up. People thought that she was gonna pick Dani but I knew better. If a bisexual have to choose between two genders as a partner, 99.9% of the time it will pick the opposite gender. That's just the way it is, their allegiance is to the heterosexuals. The other thing I wasn't surprised about is that their relationship didn't last long. That didn't surprise me since I knew that bisexuals are flaky in nature. It's in their genes; they're just mentally fucked up. When I arrived at the place, I knew it was time for me to straighten out the situation.

As well, I was able to break into her house with ease and while I was in her house I heard some noise. It sounded like it was coming from the entertainment room. So I quietly sneaked into the room and I saw two people watching TV. I was guessing that one of them is Tila, though I couldn't tell very well from behind, but who was the other person? I wasn't able to figure that out for a while until I heard Tila said "Dani can you hold me a little tighter?"

What the fuck?! Dani Campbell? She’s with that ugly, gender-confused, man-wannabe, bulldyke?

I though that Tila chose Bobby over shim (yeah, not him or her, but shim), well there goes my 99.9% theory... However that was a good thing, actually it was great thing! I got two for the price of one! I can take care of both of those people, which includes that sexually-confused Tila and her poor-excuse-for-a-man lover Dani, there was nothing but a big smile on my face.

I also began to notice what they were watching, Brokeback Mountain of all things...
Tila said this to Dani "I wish this movie had a happier ending, it's clear that Jack and Ennis were meant for each other." Yeah right!

Dani responded back to Tila "Well you know Hollywood, they always find some way to kill the gay characters."
Then I interrupted the conversation "Well Hollywood couldn’t write a script good enough to match the way I'm gonna kill you two dumb dykes."

When they heard my voice, they quickly turned around and saw me standing about two metres away from them. They were taken by surprise that I was in the room all that time. Luckily I brought some stuff with me in a bag. One of the items in the bag was a tequila bottle, so I took it out of the bag and held it in my hand.

"Oh shit! It's him!" Tila said while trembling.

Dani was trying to act brave at this moment but I knew better. I could see it in its eyes that it was scared.
"Yes it's him, the bastard who killed many gays, lesbians, transgenders, hermaphrodites and of course bisexuals."

"Not only do I kill those people but I also kill Right-Wing Zealots, White Supremacists, Neo-Conservatives, Log Cabin Republicans, Zionists, corporate elites that don't pay me, and anyone who happens to be French." I said.

I told Tila this in Vietnamese "Well it's time for me to straighten both of you out."

Tila just looked at me dumbfounded and said "Huh?"

"Oh I forgot you're a no-culture, white-wannabe, Americanised, banana bi-bitch! I'm not gonna waste my time translating it to you, you Twinkie!"

"Might as well, probably what you had just said wasn't important anyways. Did the Christian Post send you here?"

"Hell no bitch! I don't deal with those holy-rolling, fanatical, Jesus-cult freaks. I hate those losers as much as you do. I don't even believe in that Jesus Christ or God bullshit. And I don't understand why you still consider yourself a Christian, even though it's clear that most Christians don't want your bony bisexual ass."

"Dude, how the fuck do you know that? There are many queer Christians all over the world. Jesus Christ never said anything about condemning homosexuality or bisexuality."

"No but I'm sure Christianity does go against homosexuality and bisexuality. Let me pull a few sentences from the book of contradictions, lies, and deceit, better known as the Bible." So I started looking though that fictional book and found the sentence that I was looking for.

"In Romans 1:14-26-27: For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature. And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."

"But that doesn't clearly say anything against lesbianism or bisexuality for women."

"Ah, I knew you was gonna say that."

So I went to another verse in the New Testament, I purposely chose the New Testament so that I can avoid that "well the Old Testament isn't valid anymore" excuse. Well that's bullshit and that's another reason why I denounced my Christianity.

"I Corinthians 11:8-9: For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man."

I can see anger coming out of Tila's and Dani's eyes, but I didn't give a shit.

"As you can see, if you put two and two together, that joke of a book makes it clear that neither homosexuality nor bisexuality of either gender is acceptable in Christianity. But hey, I'm not a Christian one bit, the Horoscopes does a better job of telling the truth in my opinion."

"Well that doesn't make you any better than them. You're gay bashing is no different from theirs."

"No that's where you're wrong you Beef and Broccoli Bi-Bitch! When it comes to bashing those people my gay bashing is different from theirs. Let me show you an example."

So I grabbed Tila and bashed her head against the wall, then I grabbed the tequila bottle and bashed it on Tila's head. Needless to say she was knocked out. That left me now with The Missing Link named Dani.

"It's time for me to straighten out yo' butch ass."

"I'm not butch or feminine."

"No you're just plain confused, tuna-breath. I've met, humiliated, tortured and killed bigger and badder butches. So I heard that you're a paramedic, saving other people's lives, is that true?"

"Yeah"

"Well ain't that sumthin' cuz no one's gonna save yo' gay ass."

"Are you really gonna hurt me? After all I'm a girl."

"Well I'm not so sure about that. However since you want to BE LIKE A MAN, you're gonna take a BEATING LIKE A MAN!"

So I quickly gave shim two right jabs and a left uppercut that put shim in a dazed. Then I gave shim a kick to the chest (not sure that it has breast) and it flew across the room. Dani was now lying on the floor, so I came over there and stomped on that man-dyke.

While I was stomping the shit out of shim I told shim this: "No matter how hard ya stupid butch lezbos try, ya will never fit in our pants."

After the stomping I grabbed Dani by the neck with one hand and squeezed both cheeks with the other hand, making Dani's tongue stick out.

"You'll love what I'm gonna do to you next because you do this very often. You're gonna lick the carpet!" Dani's eyes bulged when I said that.

"Why are you so surprised? It is part of your daily routine you gender-reject; besides, you need your daily fiber." I chuckled after saying that. So I put that carpet-muncher's face on the carpet and started to move shim all over the place. Dani had carpet burns on its tongue. Then it started to cry:

Well maybe you are a girl after all, cuz you cry like a bitch!"

So I smacked Dani like the bitch it was and then I went in the bag and grabbed one of my favourite weapon, The Solution. It's a modified cricket bat that I got from my last trip to England . It has a titanium core so that when I use it on any of those people they WILL feel the effect.

"This is for eating too much pussy." CRACK!
"And this is for contributing to this reality-TV show crap." CRACK!
"And this is for trying to be a man." CRACK, CRACK CRACK!

Now it was bloody and it was also in total pain, but I wasn't through with Dani yet.
I grabbed Dani by the throat and brought it to the kitchen. I went into the freezer and found a Rainbow Trout.

"Perfect! This will teach Dani a lesson."

So I grabbed the frozen Rainbow Trout and used it to smack Dani's face. Dani started to cry again.

"Why you cryin'? I though you like that fish smell all over yo' face! HAHAHAHA!"

It didn't stop crying so I told shim this "Look, I see that you're hurt and I apologise for that. Just to show you that I can be a gentleman I'll dry those tears off your face."

So I grabbed Dani by the neck and put Dani's face right on top of the stove.

"I also heard that you were a firefighter, so you should have no problem when I do this to you, you ambiguous freak."

Then I turned on the stove and Dani's face got burnt. Now that Dani's face was burnt, it was even uglier than before.

"What's wrong Dani? Can't take the heat? Well it's time for you to get out of the kitchen."

So I literally kicked Dani out of the kitchen and it hit the wall. Dani was lying on the floor. Then I went into my bag and grabbed my other favourite weapon, the Raging Bulldagger. Yes the Raging Bulldagger, a strong and sturdy bull dagger decorated with sapphires on one side of the handle and black triangle on the other side. It was made for those sexually-ambiguous, boy-wannabe butches, like Dani.

"The time has come for me to straighten you out Dani."

So I stabbed it a few times in the chest, and stomach. Didn't stab it in the neck because I was afraid with all that hairball in its throat it would damage the bull dagger. The bitch is dead.

Now it's time for me to gently wake Tila up, so I kicked her in the stomach and told her to "Wake yo' gay ass up bitch!" The blood on her face has dried up but there will be more of that to come.

"Please don't hurt me, please!" she said while she was gushing like Niagara Falls.

I couldn't stand to hear or see anymore of her pathetic crying so I smacked her once and told her "Shut da fuck up bitch! Yo' cryin' ain't gonna do shit for ya. You will end like your pussy pal Dani, after all my motto is 'If it's a bi, then it must die.'"

"What do you mean by 'end up like Dani?’"

"Take a look in the hallway yourself."

So she went to the hallway and saw Dani's body lying on a pool of blood. She started to scream and cry like crazy. That gave me some time to do a few things: I went into my bag and grabbed my iPod and the mini-stereo I bought for it. Plus I grabbed a sombrero hat. Then after setting up the iPod stuff I got Tila's attention by smacking her upside the head (the back of head).

"Well Tila I figured that I might as well have a party while kicking yo’ gay ass. So let's dance shall we?"

I turned on the iPod and the song that was playing was nothing else but Herb Alpert's "Tequila." I put on a sombrero and said in a ridiculous Mexican accent

"It's time for a fiesta! Ayayayayayah!"

So I grabbed Tila and threw her to the other end of the hallway. Then I grabbed her again and slammed her through a table. After that I was thinking of using The Solution on her but something else came in my mind. I remember having a Singapore Cane in the bag (courtesy of The Sandman,) so I pulled it out and used it on her. What Michael Fay got was just a slap on the wrist compared to what I gave her.

"This is for being a sell-out." CRACK!
"And this is for adding on to this reality-TV show crap." CRACK!
"And this is for eating too many cats." CRACK!
"And this is also for eating too many bananas and cherries." CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
"And this is for being a bisexual." CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

Now don't get me wrong people, I have nothing against Vietnamese people. I do have something against those that want to be white.

She was crying and begging me to stop so I bitch slapped her: "Shut da fuck up bitch! I know that you are very comfortable about you bisexuality, which is good because it makes me feel more comfortable killing you!"

Then I tied her to a chair with barbed wires so that she wouldn't get out. The barbed wires were cutting her skin but I didn't give a fuck. So I went in my bag and got a device called a magneto (or a dynamo). The magneto is a hand cranked device that generates an electrical charge. I had two electrical leads attached to the magneto.

"I'm gonna torture you like how your people tortured the Americans during the Vietnam War."

On a side note I don't have any problems with what the Vietnamese did to the Americans, that's what the Americans get for acting like a bully and starting a meaningless war with them. One part of the lead ends was attached to the magneto so I put the other ends of the lead on her nipples and then I started to crack the magneto. She was screaming in agony from all the electricity generated by the magneto. While she was screaming I was giggling with joy. I stopped after a while because I didn't want to kill her, yet. So while she was tied to the chair I got a small cage with a rat in it.

"I couldn't get my hands on a cat for you to munch on, so instead I got a rat. But then again if you enjoy eating cats, then eating a rat (or pussy) shouldn't be a problem."

So I aggravated the rat a little bit with a stick, then I put the rat in a small brown sack. After that I put the sack over her head with the rat in it. Inside the rat was scratching and biting Tila's face. Outside her head was moving wildly and the brown sack was starting to turn red.

"Hey come on Tila, I'm a little disappointed with you. Chuck Norris could have done a better job."

After a while she stopped moving, so I took the sack off her and her face was very bloody. I was surprised that she actually managed to bite the rat on its neck, killing it in the process. Wow I'm impressed! She must have seen "Missing in Action 2", or maybe she was hungry... But I wasn't done with her yet:

"You may have survived that incident, but there's no one here to save your lemon-coated, Wonder Bread, dyke ass. Not Jackie Chan, not Jet Li, not Ho Chi Min’s ghost, not Yao Min, and absolutely not Chuck Norris".

Me and Chuck have a mutual respect for each other, even though his dumb ass supported that idiot Mike Huckabee. So I got another object from the bag and dragged her by her hair to the kitchen while she was still tied to the chair with the barbed wires.

"So you're from Texas, right?"

"Yeah, so why the fuck does that concern you?"

Because you should be familiar with what I'm gonna do to you next."

She saw a branding iron in my left hand and she started to panic: "No, don't do it please! Please I beg you!"

So I punched her in the mouth and told her to "Shut da fuck up!" Then I heated the branding iron on the stove til it had an orange glow to it. After that I branded the words "Banana Bi-Bitch" on her forehead.

"There's another difference between me and the Christian Post and that is our methods of curing those people. They like to put you in some stupid and ineffective camp to ‘heal you’, but I prefer a more direct and effective approach..."

So I pulled out my gun and aimed it at Tila's forehead and told her "A bullet in the head." But before I pull the trigger I told her this "Bye bye, bi-bitch." I pulled the trigger, and that was the end of Tila Tequila and also the end of that stupid show.

But there's one more thing I have to do. I grabbed the gas tank from my bag, poured it all over the house as much as I can and then lit the place. Soon the house was engulfed in flames, I was already outside when then house turned into a bonfire. With nothing else really to do I decided to read a few sentences from that big book of fables before I threw the book into the fire:

"Revelation 20:9: And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them.

Whatever…

05.20.08 (9:55 pm)   [edit]
Title: "A shot AT Tequila" or "Tequila Sunset" (pick your favourite)
Author: DaSolution
Rating: R or M
Warnings: Language, Violence
Summary: I paid a surprise visit to Tila Tequila.
Disclaimer: Don’t own any of these characters or people in the story
Note: I changed a few things from Tila's real life for the story.

That was the best time I could have done this. I wanted to do this for a long time but due to my busy schedule I could never get around to it. It's time for me to pay a visit to Tila Tequila. For those who don't know who Tila is she's a model that had her own reality dating show. It wasn’t that much different from the rest of those mutha' fuckin' reality TV shows that are congesting the airwaves and cable boxes. Ever since "Survivor" aired, prime-time TV has been saturated with these pseudo-reality TV shows. It's much worse than the variety TV shows that used to clog up the airwaves during the 60s and 70s.

She was with Bobby for only a few days before they broke up. People thought that she was gonna pick Dani but I knew better. If a bisexual have to choose between two genders as a partner, 99.9% of the time it will pick the opposite gender. That's just the way it is, their allegiance is to the heterosexuals. The other thing I wasn't surprised about is that their relationship didn't last long. That didn't surprise me since I knew that bisexuals are flaky in nature. It's in their genes; they're just mentally fucked up. When I arrived at the place, I knew it was time for me to straighten out the situation.

As well, I was able to break into her house with ease and while I was in her house I heard some noise. It sounded like it was coming from the entertainment room. So I quietly sneaked into the room and I saw two people watching TV. I was guessing that one of them is Tila, though I couldn't tell very well from behind, but who was the other person? I wasn't able to figure that out for a while until I heard Tila said "Dani can you hold me a little tighter?"

What the fuck?! Dani Campbell? She’s with that ugly, gender-confused, man-wannabe, bulldyke?

I though that Tila chose Bobby over shim (yeah, not him or her, but shim), well there goes my 99.9% theory... However that was a good thing, actually it was great thing! I got two for the price of one! I can take care of both of those people, which includes that sexually-confused Tila and her poor-excuse-for-a-man lover Dani, there was nothing but a big smile on my face.

I also began to notice what they were watching, Brokeback Mountain of all things...
Tila said this to Dani "I wish this movie had a happier ending, it's clear that Jack and Ennis were meant for each other." Yeah right!

Dani responded back to Tila "Well you know Hollywood, they always find some way to kill the gay characters."
Then I interrupted the conversation "Well Hollywood couldn’t write a script good enough to match the way I'm gonna kill you two dumb dykes."

When they heard my voice, they quickly turned around and saw me standing about two metres away from them. They were taken by surprise that I was in the room all that time. Luckily I brought some stuff with me in a bag. One of the items in the bag was a tequila bottle, so I took it out of the bag and held it in my hand.

"Oh shit! It's him!" Tila said while trembling.

Dani was trying to act brave at this moment but I knew better. I could see it in its eyes that it was scared.
"Yes it's him, the bastard who killed many gays, lesbians, transgenders, hermaphrodites and of course bisexuals."

"Not only do I kill those people but I also kill Right-Wing Zealots, White Supremacists, Neo-Conservatives, Log Cabin Republicans, Zionists, corporate elites that don't pay me, and anyone who happens to be French." I said.

I told Tila this in Vietnamese "Well it's time for me to straighten both of you out."

Tila just looked at me dumbfounded and said "Huh?"

"Oh I forgot you're a no-culture, white-wannabe, Americanised, banana bi-bitch! I'm not gonna waste my time translating it to you, you Twinkie!"

"Might as well, probably what you had just said wasn't important anyways. Did the Christian Post send you here?"

"Hell no bitch! I don't deal with those holy-rolling, fanatical, Jesus-cult freaks. I hate those losers as much as you do. I don't even believe in that Jesus Christ or God bullshit. And I don't understand why you still consider yourself a Christian, even though it's clear that most Christians don't want your bony bisexual ass."

"Dude, how the fuck do you know that? There are many queer Christians all over the world. Jesus Christ never said anything about condemning homosexuality or bisexuality."

"No but I'm sure Christianity does go against homosexuality and bisexuality. Let me pull a few sentences from the book of contradictions, lies, and deceit, better known as the Bible." So I started looking though that fictional book and found the sentence that I was looking for.

"In Romans 1:14-26-27: For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature. And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."

"But that doesn't clearly say anything against lesbianism or bisexuality for women."

"Ah, I knew you was gonna say that."

So I went to another verse in the New Testament, I purposely chose the New Testament so that I can avoid that "well the Old Testament isn't valid anymore" excuse. Well that's bullshit and that's another reason why I denounced my Christianity.

"I Corinthians 11:8-9: For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man."

I can see anger coming out of Tila's and Dani's eyes, but I didn't give a shit.

"As you can see, if you put two and two together, that joke of a book makes it clear that neither homosexuality nor bisexuality of either gender is acceptable in Christianity. But hey, I'm not a Christian one bit, the Horoscopes does a better job of telling the truth in my opinion."

"Well that doesn't make you any better than them. You're gay bashing is no different from theirs."

"No that's where you're wrong you Beef and Broccoli Bi-Bitch! When it comes to bashing those people my gay bashing is different from theirs. Let me show you an example."

So I grabbed Tila and bashed her head against the wall, then I grabbed the tequila bottle and bashed it on Tila's head. Needless to say she was knocked out. That left me now with The Missing Link named Dani.

"It's time for me to straighten out yo' butch ass."

"I'm not butch or feminine."

"No you're just plain confused, tuna-breath. I've met, humiliated, tortured and killed bigger and badder butches. So I heard that you're a paramedic, saving other people's lives, is that true?"

"Yeah"

"Well ain't that sumthin' cuz no one's gonna save yo' gay ass."

"Are you really gonna hurt me? After all I'm a girl."

"Well I'm not so sure about that. However since you want to BE LIKE A MAN, you're gonna take a BEATING LIKE A MAN!"

So I quickly gave shim two right jabs and a left uppercut that put shim in a dazed. Then I gave shim a kick to the chest (not sure that it has breast) and it flew across the room. Dani was now lying on the floor, so I came over there and stomped on that man-dyke.

While I was stomping the shit out of shim I told shim this: "No matter how hard ya stupid butch lezbos try, ya will never fit in our pants."

After the stomping I grabbed Dani by the neck with one hand and squeezed both cheeks with the other hand, making Dani's tongue stick out.

"You'll love what I'm gonna do to you next because you do this very often. You're gonna lick the carpet!" Dani's eyes bulged when I said that.

"Why are you so surprised? It is part of your daily routine you gender-reject; besides, you need your daily fiber." I chuckled after saying that. So I put that carpet-muncher's face on the carpet and started to move shim all over the place. Dani had carpet burns on its tongue. Then it started to cry:

Well maybe you are a girl after all, cuz you cry like a bitch!"

So I smacked Dani like the bitch it was and then I went in the bag and grabbed one of my favourite weapon, The Solution. It's a modified cricket bat that I got from my last trip to England . It has a titanium core so that when I use it on any of those people they WILL feel the effect.

"This is for eating too much pussy." CRACK!
"And this is for contributing to this reality-TV show crap." CRACK!
"And this is for trying to be a man." CRACK, CRACK CRACK!

Now it was bloody and it was also in total pain, but I wasn't through with Dani yet.
I grabbed Dani by the throat and brought it to the kitchen. I went into the freezer and found a Rainbow Trout.

"Perfect! This will teach Dani a lesson."

So I grabbed the frozen Rainbow Trout and used it to smack Dani's face. Dani started to cry again.

"Why you cryin'? I though you like that fish smell all over yo' face! HAHAHAHA!"

It didn't stop crying so I told shim this "Look, I see that you're hurt and I apologise for that. Just to show you that I can be a gentleman I'll dry those tears off your face."

So I grabbed Dani by the neck and put Dani's face right on top of the stove.

"I also heard that you were a firefighter, so you should have no problem when I do this to you, you ambiguous freak."

Then I turned on the stove and Dani's face got burnt. Now that Dani's face was burnt, it was even uglier than before.

"What's wrong Dani? Can't take the heat? Well it's time for you to get out of the kitchen."

So I literally kicked Dani out of the kitchen and it hit the wall. Dani was lying on the floor. Then I went into my bag and grabbed my other favourite weapon, the Raging Bulldagger. Yes the Raging Bulldagger, a strong and sturdy bull dagger decorated with sapphires on one side of the handle and black triangle on the other side. It was made for those sexually-ambiguous, boy-wannabe butches, like Dani.

"The time has come for me to straighten you out Dani."

So I stabbed it a few times in the chest, and stomach. Didn't stab it in the neck because I was afraid with all that hairball in its throat it would damage the bull dagger. The bitch is dead.

Now it's time for me to gently wake Tila up, so I kicked her in the stomach and told her to "Wake yo' gay ass up bitch!" The blood on her face has dried up but there will be more of that to come.

"Please don't hurt me, please!" she said while she was gushing like Niagara Falls.

I couldn't stand to hear or see anymore of her pathetic crying so I smacked her once and told her "Shut da fuck up bitch! Yo' cryin' ain't gonna do shit for ya. You will end like your pussy pal Dani, after all my motto is 'If it's a bi, then it must die.'"

"What do you mean by 'end up like Dani?’"

"Take a look in the hallway yourself."

So she went to the hallway and saw Dani's body lying on a pool of blood. She started to scream and cry like crazy. That gave me some time to do a few things: I went into my bag and grabbed my iPod and the mini-stereo I bought for it. Plus I grabbed a sombrero hat. Then after setting up the iPod stuff I got Tila's attention by smacking her upside the head (the back of head).

"Well Tila I figured that I might as well have a party while kicking yo’ gay ass. So let's dance shall we?"

I turned on the iPod and the song that was playing was nothing else but Herb Alpert's "Tequila." I put on a sombrero and said in a ridiculous Mexican accent

"It's time for a fiesta! Ayayayayayah!"

So I grabbed Tila and threw her to the other end of the hallway. Then I grabbed her again and slammed her through a table. After that I was thinking of using The Solution on her but something else came in my mind. I remember having a Singapore Cane in the bag (courtesy of The Sandman,) so I pulled it out and used it on her. What Michael Fay got was just a slap on the wrist compared to what I gave her.

"This is for being a sell-out." CRACK!
"And this is for adding on to this reality-TV show crap." CRACK!
"And this is for eating too many cats." CRACK!
"And this is also for eating too many bananas and cherries." CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
"And this is for being a bisexual." CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

Now don't get me wrong people, I have nothing against Vietnamese people. I do have something against those that want to be white.

She was crying and begging me to stop so I bitch slapped her: "Shut da fuck up bitch! I know that you are very comfortable about you bisexuality, which is good because it makes me feel more comfortable killing you!"

Then I tied her to a chair with barbed wires so that she wouldn't get out. The barbed wires were cutting her skin but I didn't give a fuck. So I went in my bag and got a device called a magneto (or a dynamo). The magneto is a hand cranked device that generates an electrical charge. I had two electrical leads attached to the magneto.

"I'm gonna torture you like how your people tortured the Americans during the Vietnam War."

On a side note I don't have any problems with what the Vietnamese did to the Americans, that's what the Americans get for acting like a bully and starting a meaningless war with them. One part of the lead ends was attached to the magneto so I put the other ends of the lead on her nipples and then I started to crack the magneto. She was screaming in agony from all the electricity generated by the magneto. While she was screaming I was giggling with joy. I stopped after a while because I didn't want to kill her, yet. So while she was tied to the chair I got a small cage with a rat in it.

"I couldn't get my hands on a cat for you to munch on, so instead I got a rat. But then again if you enjoy eating cats, then eating a rat (or pussy) shouldn't be a problem."

So I aggravated the rat a little bit with a stick, then I put the rat in a small brown sack. After that I put the sack over her head with the rat in it. Inside the rat was scratching and biting Tila's face. Outside her head was moving wildly and the brown sack was starting to turn red.

"Hey come on Tila, I'm a little disappointed with you. Chuck Norris could have done a better job."

After a while she stopped moving, so I took the sack off her and her face was very bloody. I was surprised that she actually managed to bite the rat on its neck, killing it in the process. Wow I'm impressed! She must have seen "Missing in Action 2", or maybe she was hungry... But I wasn't done with her yet:

"You may have survived that incident, but there's no one here to save your lemon-coated, Wonder Bread, dyke ass. Not Jackie Chan, not Jet Li, not Ho Chi Min’s ghost, not Yao Min, and absolutely not Chuck Norris".

Me and Chuck have a mutual respect for each other, even though his dumb ass supported that idiot Mike Huckabee. So I got another object from the bag and dragged her by her hair to the kitchen while she was still tied to the chair with the barbed wires.

"So you're from Texas, right?"

"Yeah, so why the fuck does that concern you?"

Because you should be familiar with what I'm gonna do to you next."

She saw a branding iron in my left hand and she started to panic: "No, don't do it please! Please I beg you!"

So I punched her in the mouth and told her to "Shut da fuck up!" Then I heated the branding iron on the stove til it had an orange glow to it. After that I branded the words "Banana Bi-Bitch" on her forehead.

"There's another difference between me and the Christian Post and that is our methods of curing those people. They like to put you in some stupid and ineffective camp to ‘heal you’, but I prefer a more direct and effective approach..."

So I pulled out my gun and aimed it at Tila's forehead and told her "A bullet in the head." But before I pull the trigger I told her this "Bye bye, bi-bitch." I pulled the trigger, and that was the end of Tila Tequila and also the end of that stupid show.

But there's one more thing I have to do. I grabbed the gas tank from my bag, poured it all over the house as much as I can and then lit the place. Soon the house was engulfed in flames, I was already outside when then house turned into a bonfire. With nothing else really to do I decided to read a few sentences from that big book of fables before I threw the book into the fire:

"Revelation 20:9: And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them.

Whatever…

This Bloddy Island Part 2: Orders from Yvonne

05.17.08 (11:20 pm)   [edit]
Name: DaSolution
Title: This Bloody Island - Part 2: Orders from Yvonne
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bad Girls, they belong to Shed Productions. Kim Tate is a character from a Nikki/Helen fanfic called... I don't remember, it was at badgirlsonline.co.uk, and I can't stand that witch.
Fandom: Bad Girls
Pairing: Cassie and Roisin, Snowball Merriman
Rating: R
Summary: Yvonne ask me to do a favor of dealing with Cassie and Roisin also with Snowall Merriman

Chapter 1: Over 'ere Briney Marlin'

Somewhere in East London, probably in crappy Brixton.

Going to East London is kinda like going to Bensonhurst in Brooklyn, one big dump with a lot of white trash (or as they would say here 'pikey'). East London is the English-speaking White Trash capital in the world, I don't care what anybody thinks or says (OK so maybe West Liverpool is even bigger..). It's more white trash than West Virginia and Nova Scotia combined, and believe me there's LOTS of Hosers in Nova Scotia (Don't know what Hoser means? Then look it up in Wikipedia). The reason why I said "English-speaking" is because there's still Poland and Russia. Especially when I come to this area I see a whole lot of Chavs. I feel insulted when I see them, they take a lot of African-American Hip-Hop culture and yet they go around calling black people 'knick-knocks' (means nigger).

I went to meet Yvonne Atkins the other day at her home in East London. She's a hideous looking bitch but she's cool, especially with her new haircut she looks like Glenn Close, UGH! She met me in the States when she was looking for someone to kill a guy that owes her and her late husband Charlie money.

"Over 'ere Briney Marlin'. " with her God Damn Cockney accent. Here she goes again with that Rhyming Slang bullshit, a type of slang that the working class in East London uses.

"Please don't be using that Rhyming Slang shit on me. I hate it very much."

"I won't if ya daan't use that Ebonics bollocks from the bleedin' States." She said with her usual charm.

"I'm not from the States Yvonne, even though I lived in the States for a long time."

"Sorry darlin', I keep on forgettin'."

"So what's the problem now Yvonne? Another boyfriend of Lauren you don't like? Somebody hasn't paid? One of your girls grassed on you?" For those who don't know, grassed means to tell or snitch.

"Na somethin' worse and I kna you're the chuffin' perfect geezer for the job." (No something worse and I know you're the perfect man for the job. In England 'geezer' means dude, not someone who's old and crusty.)

"God damn, it must be that bad."

"Yeah, Ya kna Cassie and Roisin?"

"Unfortunately yes, they're one of those people. They were in Larkhall at one time. I heard Cassie is good with computers."

"Yeah she is, well they 're attracted ter me and 'ave been tryin' ter shag me." (Well they like me and they've been trying to fuck me.)

When I heard that I knew what was my job which at that point brought a smile on my face. After all putting those people in their places is what I do best, and that place is usually six feet deep.
Bringing pain, suffering and humiliation to those people is my passion, my favourite though is humiliation.

"Ya kna I rather shag Fenner than ter shag those people." That is by no means a complement, there are no love lost between her and the most manipulative and corrupted Prison Officer in the world Jim Fenner. He's also a good friend of mine which Yvonne didn't like. However if it wasn't for Jim's connections and my -ahem- persuasion, her Cockney ass would still be in Larkhall.

"But listen love I got a question ter ask ya, Why 're ya back 'ere in England? People still remember wot ya did ter Saffron Burrows and Alan Cummings. Ya kna those people really 'ate ya 'ere."

"I created too much heat back in North America and I was looking for Shell." Didn't mention Denny and Shaz since she's close to them but knowing Yvonne she probably knew that I was looking for them as well.

"Besides the more they hate me, the better I feel."

"That's bleedin' intrestin'... I kna wot ya did back in the States and wot ya did ter that bloody bitch Shell. Ya kna nuffin' escapes from Yvonne Atkins." she said with that grin of hers and a wink.

I responded with a grin of my own "That's why you're still my favourite lady here in England and that's also why I was willing to kill your husband after the trail and also the foreman he paid off. By the way how are the girls (or as she would say 'birds') doing Yvonne, especially Shareen? It's been a while since I got a piece of that big Turkish booty."

"She na runs wahn of me 'ouses. But she's still available if ya wahnt a jolly good shag." (She's running one of her brothels, but she's still available to be fucked.)

All I said was "Sweet!"

Now I know some of you are wondering why am I excited to have sex with a ho? Well here in England there's ten times less people than in America, yet there are ten times more uglier women in England. America may have Mischa Barton but England has Sally Hawkins, Jodhi May, Liz May Brice, etc... And Shareen is a very, very rare beauty here in England. Canada has roughly the same amount of people as England but at least the women are much better looking.

"I kna ya loike me birds since they're the best and cleanest women in aw of Great Britain, but why daan't ya try a sexy woman wif more experience." when she said that she showed her smiled and gave me a wink.

When she told me that at first I was shocked, then I was trying not to throw up, just the thought of fucking that ugly-ass woman with her worn-out, used-up pussy gave me the creeps. God I'm gonna have nightmares tonight.

While still trying to hold my vomit I told Yvonne this: "Yvonne, I'm a good friend of yours and nothing else. You would have better chance of fucking PO Josh Mitchell than me." Josh Mitchell was just a worker for Larkhall prison before he became a Prison Officer. He's a goofy-looking mother fucker who makes weird faces like Rodney Dangerfield when he talks but he's also cool to hang with. Being the horny bitch that she is Yvonne tried to shag him but with his good judgement he turned her down. He got a thing for a former inmate named Crystal Gordon, a Holy-Rolling, zealous, Jesus-freak kleptomaniac who makes Winona Ryder look like a common pick-pocketer. That bitch is always talking about Jesus and how I'm gonna go to hell if I don't repent. I was gonna slap the Black off of that bitch but Josh was able to talk me out of it. How the fuck does Josh put up with that uppity bitch, I'll never know.

"Na speakin' of experience, why did ya kill Kim Tate? I kna ya two disagreed wif each over but she was the bloody best 'itwoman 'round."

"As good of a hitwoman as she was, Kim was one of those people and the only way to cure those people is a bullet in the head. But there were other reasons, she didn't like that fact that I was a better killer and manipulator than she was. So she tried to seduce me, but I saw it a mile away what she was trying to do. So I killed her son and other known relatives of hers to prevent any type of revenge, then I killed that nasty bisexual bitch. It was gonna be me or her, and I damn sure know it's wasn't gonna be me. She thought that she was ruthless, but unfortunately she met someone who was even more ruthless."

Yvonne didn't dare say a word. She knows how dangerous I can be but now she got an even more glimps of what I can do if you try to fuck with me, so let that be a warning: DON'T FUCK WITH ME!

"Anyways she was nothing more than a country cunt. I'm a well-educated man who grew up in a poor area but was able to get a Masters in Electrical Engineering, however I also have other degrees."

"Wot do ya mean?"

"Well I have a PhD in Asskicking (or Arsekicking for you Brits), a Masters in Slamming People Through Tables (especially those people), another PhD in Torturing and Maming, another Masters in Humiliating Queers and making those people's lives miserable, and a Honorary PhD for my contributions towards Fire Science." I said backing it up with a silly grin.

She just looked at me with shocked and didn't say a word.

"There's wahn more fin' I wahnt ya ter do for me. It's me son's new slapper Snowball Merriman, I daan't loike 'ere wahn bit and I wahnt ya ter kill 'er." (There's one more thing I want you to do for me, It's my son's new slut Snowball Merriman, I don't like her one bit and I want you to kill her.)

When she said the name Snowball Merriman, my blood started to boil. Me and Snowball were in a drug trade back in Miami and things went well as usual, but after the trade we went to a bar. She slipped a mickey in my drink and took all the money. I've been looking for that bitch for a long time.

"I'll kill that bitch, trust me it's personal when it comes to Snowball. Well I gotta get myself ready to take care of Cassie and Roisin. Was there anything else you need?"

"No."

"OK then, take care of yourself Yvonne."

"You too love."

So I left Yvonne's place with a new goal, to eliminate Cassie and Roisin. However I think I need to stop by and pay a visit to Shareen..."


END OF CHAPTER ONE



Chapter 2: She Ain't That Much of a Whiz Kid

After my "meeting" with Shereen, I was getting hungry, so I went and got myself another Fish and Chips since that's the only damn food they make in this country that taste good. I can't stand English food with their horrible Bubbles and Squeek, bland Cornish Pies, starchy Chip Butty, questionable Black Pudding (what's in is really?), and worse of all those meatballs they call Faggots (I'm not kidding, that's the name). I don't know about you but my mouth ain't gonna touch no part of a Faggot, I don't care how good people say the balls taste!

I was also getting sick and tired of eating Chicken Tikka Masala, Lamb Donners and Fried Chicken. Oh my god, England is worse than the American South when it comes to fried chicken, there's fried chicken everywhere! And most of the stores (shops) have ridiculous names like Texas Fried Chicken or Uncle Sam's Fried Chicken. I never thought I would find myself missing Harvey's, Swiss Chalet, Mr. Sub or Pizza Pizza, even though I don't eat any of that crap back at home.

I wa able to break into Cassie and Roisin's home, it was not a problem since British home security is a joke. She has three cats in her house (Lesbians and cats, I tell you...) and there were hairballs all over the place. I didn't know if it came from the cats or from Cassie and Roisin... Computer genius Cassie Tyler was on a computer sending the CIA, Scotland Yards, Interpol and AfterEllen(dot)com the latest information on my activities. She was also looking at underage lesbian porn at the same time (kinky freak isn't she?) She had a picture of Mischa Barton as the background picture for her computer. My god, this dyke has terrible taste in women. I thought that junkie lezbo Roisin was bad and ugly enough but Mischa Barton? That's ugliness to a whole new lever.

In the room she also had pictures of Sally Hawkins, Jodhi May, Elenor Roosevelt, Sandra Bernard, Sandra Bernhardt, Linda Tripp, and that skankbag Lindsey Lohan. Somebody needs to smack some sense into that woman, she likes them ugly!

I know she's been spying on me, I saw her back in Spain when I killed those three Tortilla Flappers Shell, Denny and Shaz. However she was able to escape before I can catch her, but she has nowhere to run now. I don't give a damn about Scotland Yards and the CIA but it's AfterEllen that worries me. They were able to hire that hard-to-kill, pussy-eating, Sapphire Sister bitch Painkiller Jane to kill me after I wiped out their website and redirect the URL for their domain name to a different website. When some stupid twat typed in www(dot)afterellen(dot)com, what they saw was a male escort service! I though that I was helping them out, most of those vibrator-abusing dykes sure needed it! I finally got rid of that bitch but it wasn't easy.

Before then I had nothing against AfterEllen, it was just a stupid website that bitches and moans constantly about how lesbians potrayed in media, how most bisexual female celebrities are dating men (I know the answer to that one), and how come most open lesbians won't play lesbian roles on tv and movies. Basically it was a site that gave me laughs, but after they hired a mercenary to kill me, I wanted to do more than just wipe out their website, so I blew up their office. Amazingly a lot of outed and closeted lesbian and bisexual female celebrities put their money into rebuilding AfterEllen and now they're in a state-of-the-art building in Los Angeles with top notch security and a more stable and secure website. It would be impossible for me to hack into the server or blow up the building now.

Little did she knew that I got her MS Messenger username and that she was on my buddy list. So with my latest BlackBerry that can connect to the Internet I IMed her. I was hiding behind the wall next to the office room.

SarahWatersIzAMan (my IM name): Hi Cassie

Cassie was stunned when she saw this, I can't blame her though.

CassienovaLova: Who are you?

SarahWatersIzAMan: Who I am is not important to you, what's important to you is that you better get off my case or else...

CassienovaLova: What are you talking about? I don't understand.

SarahWatersIzAMan: You contacting the CIA, Scotland Yards, Interpol, and AfterEllen about me.

CassienovaLova: OMG you're...

Before she could complete the sentence I appeared in front of the office room and stated "That's right Fingersmith, it's me."

Cassie was terrified and shocked to see me, she couldn't say a word.

"Didn't expect to see me did ya?"

"How did you get in?"

"British home security ain't worth shit."

"You better get out of before I..."

"What? Call the cops? I cut off the phone lines and stole your cell phone, you homosexual whore. I did see you back in Seville, you was very lucky to escape from me because I was gonna kill you there bitch! Now you made it easier for me to kill you and your Pussy Pal Roisin, or to make it clearer to you I mean your Fanny Friend Roisin."

While she was trembling she told me this: "What do you get out of killing us? Why do you hate us so much? What made you want to kill Saffron Burrows and Alan Cummings the way you did?"

"I get the pleasure of making the world a better place from you people. The reason why I hate 'those people' so much is because you stupid queers keep on asking for this rights and that rights, you discriminate other persecuted groups like mines, and you go against the nature of things: A man is not suppose to act feminine, a woman is not suppose to act masculine, an asshole wasn't made to take a dick in, a pussy wasn't made for a tongue. Contrary to what TV and movies may want you to believe (that includes Bad Girls) most lesbians are fat, ugly and try to act like a man."

"Also a key for a species to survival is procreation, I've yet to see a man impregnating another man and a woman impregnating another woman, although it's been tried (I've talked about that in This Bloody Island Part 1, Chapter 1). Thus since those people don't have the ability to procreate they are consider the lower end of the gene pool. So I'm basically doing the world a favour by 'cleaning up the gene pool.' Plus, you queers keep on saying that you were born this way, but what it is really is nothing more than a behaviour, I'm sick and tired of you queers comparing our discrimination to yours when it is not the same thing. A final reason why I can't stand 'those people' is because you spread A.I.D.S. like wildfire. Look what it's doing to the whole world now!"

"But we suffered injustice just like your group did!"

"YOU HAVE THE MOTHER FUCKING NERVES TO TALK TO ME ABOUT INJUSTICE! I'll tell you about injustice Twat Tickler. When I was a young kid I grew up in a run-down house with my parents. The area we were in didn't have electricity or running water and municipal dumptrucks use to dump trash in our areas. However we were a strong community that fought for basic municipal services, but we never got it and the funny thing was that we won the case. As well, the city government decided to build a new highway bridge through our neighbourhood and since most of the people don't have legal titles to their houses they felt like they can do what they want to do with us, and they did. We fought hard to keep our house but the bulldozer came to knock our house down. Me and my parents were in tears, I was very young but I still remember it like it was yesterday."

"They eventually knock down all of the houses in the neighbourhood and finally they knock down the church which was the pillar of the community. After the church was destroyed any hope for the community to rebuild was gone, but the story doesn't end there. We were moved to a shitty public housing (or bleeding government/council estates for you Brits) that was dangerous and far away from the community. To add insult to injury they used municipal dumptrucks to move the remaining personal possessions we had to our 'new home'. Now the land is nothing more than a useless park with a useless bridge, and how did the government pay us back for this injustice? They put up a broken sundial in the park. Mother Fuckers."

I then continue my speech, bringing up about groups who really suffered injustice and didn't have a closet to run to:

"Was your group even been slaves? NO!"
"Was your group ever sent to death camps in Nazi Germany? NO!. I know those people were sent to concentration camps, but that's not the same thing and their fate wasn't the same as those Jews."
"Was your group force to live in reserves like the First Nations/Aboriginal people? NO!"
"Was your group force to live in apartheid? NO!"
"Was your group sent to detention camps in a 'free' country like the US because of some stupid country like Japan joined the bad guys? NO!"

"So how can you tell me this crap about suffering injustice? But enough of my lecture, I came here to get a job done. Type this bitch!"

And with that I grabbed her keyboard and smacked her with it. Then I grabbed her and threw her against the wall. After that I picked her up and slammed her through the computer desk.

Roisin heard the noise in the office room and came as soon as she could.

"Hi Roisin, care to join us."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOT YOU!"

"Fuck Yeah, it's me you junkie lezbo."

I first grabbed that ugly junkie lezbo and told her "Do you want some smack?"

"Absolutely!"

"OK then close your eyes." And she closed her eyes. I can't believe the bitch is that stupid.

"SMACK!!!" I just smacked the shit out of her hoping she would turn beautiful and that her eyes wouldn't look so funny but she was still ugly. I was just laughing at that ugly dumb cunt.

Then I grabbed Roisin and and punched that dirty cunt a few times in her face, after that I dragged her by her hair to the washroom and shoved her face in the toilet. It had urine in it.

"You should be used to tasting piss by now from all the time you've been eating Cassie's pussy."

After that I grabber her by the hair again and picked up Cassie by the hair along the way, I then dragged them both down the steps. They were screaming and hollering from the pain.

"You're lucky I didn't kick both of you down the steps."

I sat both of them in the kitchen and tied both of them together with barbed wires. Then I got my branding iron and burned "DYKE" on both of their foreheads. Cassie was very upset about it. I then saw a ring on Cassie's ring finger, yep it's a Sapphire Sisters ring. I broke her ring finger out of spite and took the ring. It's a souvenir for me.

"Why are you upset? You was always open about it, now you don't have to tell anybody because they can see it far away, literally!" I started to laugh.

Roisin was about to cry so I told her "Now your kids will know that mummy is a big junkie dyke, LOL!" I said that with a mocking British accent.

She was now literally in tears so I told her even more. "Oh by the way, your lost your visitation rights to your kids and they have moved to Australia."

Now she was screaming and hollering and so was Cassie so I got two dirty flags (Gay rainbow flags), wiped the toilet bowl with it and stuff it in their mouths. I tried to stuff it down their throats but they were already clogged with hairballs they got from eating each other out (these dykes are worse than cats...). Then I opened the refrigerator and saw nothing but tofu products, bean sprouts, organic fruits and vegetables, soy milk and some fish, pork and seafood. Most lezbos are vegetarians but they need a good deal of fish and pork in their diet if you know what i mean ;-) So I grabbed a Rainbow Trout from the fridge and started to slap Cassie with it.

"STOP IT, PLEASE STOP IT FOR THE SAKE OF GOD!"

"I though you like that fish smell all over your face, LOL"

I stopped slapping her after her face was totally red like a lobster, so I laughed at her and her girlfriend.

"Don't worry girls, I'm not laughing WITH you, I'm laughing AT you, LOL!"

Cassie then spoke "Even while you're laughing at me and planning to kill me I'm still proud to be a lesbian. I am very comfortable at what I am and that will never change."

"Good, because that makes me more comfortable of killing you."

With that I poured gasoline on them and told them this before their eventual fate: "You may have been lucky when you saved that Butthole Bandit Neil Graying from the fire, but you won't be so lucky this time."

I lit the match and thew it on them. They were on fire and so was the rest of the house.

"Now I got some more business to take care of..."


END OF PART 2, CHAPTER 2



Chapter 3: A Snowball's Chance In My Hell

Now it's time to take care of some serious business, to kill off Snowball. Yvonne told me that Ritchie has been seeing Snowball at a warehouse in South London. Snowball's been hiding from the police since she escaped from Larkhall. She may have gotten the upper hand on me that one time, but little did she knew that I have very strong connections here in London. I found the warehouse and entered in quietly. She was in one of the rooms talking to someone on her cell phone and I was hiding behind the wall next to the door to the room. I was just waiting for the right time to surprise her but I didn't have to do that. When she came out of the room I sneaked up behind her and got a chokehold on her with my right arm and held the point of the Raging Bulldagger to her temple with my left hand.

"Hello Snowball"

"Oh bloody fuckin' shit! Please tell me it's a nightmare."

"Yeah it is, a real-life nightmare for you! Please tell me why did you try to poison me and steal the money. Remember we agreed to share it 50-50?"

"Yes, but I didn't do it for selfish reasons, I did it for more personal reasons. You killed most of my friends and ex-lovers that were in the porn business because you considered them 'those people'. I still remember hearing how you viciously and sadistically tortured, maimed, and killed my good friend Jenna Jameson. You pretty much single-handedly eliminated the porn industry, making it hard for me to find a job. But I'll never, ever forgive you for how you killed my sweetheart Roxanne Rubyfruit. She was one of the top lesbian pornstars in the world and she was also the love of my life, my world, my everything AND YOU TOOK IT ALL AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" I thought she was telling me a joke, because bisexuals are incapable of truely loving someone and being in a committed relationship, especially someone who is of the same sex.

"I remember seeing her dead body lying in our bed, blood was all over the room, she had fishing wire marks on her neck, it also looked like someone stabbed her right in her pussy, and the biggest giveaway of them all was that her Sapphire Sisters ring was missing. Right then and there I knew it was you who was behind it. I took me a long time to get over her somewhat, even to this day I haven't totally gotten over her. My love of my life is now Ritchie, but at one time I loved her just as much. We were engaged and was planning to get married in Canada, yes Canada, a country I know you're very familiar with. However you killed her the day before we were going to get married, it seems that you really don't like gay marriages, so you had to eliminate one of us didn't you."

"It was more than that Snowball. Roxanne was starting a group with other porn stars to have me captured and arrested. I was planning to kill you on the same day but then I saw that you had strong connections with Colombian druglords. I went through your laptop, your PDA, your black book and your bank statements."

"Yeah and you were just using me for those connections, you were planning to kill me after you got all of my connections. Thus I knew it was going to be either me or you. The poison I put in your drink was suppose to kill you, not put you in a hospital for eight weeks. You are so damn lucky."

"I don't know about me being lucky. I had my stomach pumped, had to take antibiotics and couldn't eat solid foods for a while. You put me through all that bitch!"

She was mad when I said that, she felt very insulted. She turned her head towards me as much as she can and said. "That was nothing compared to what you fucking put me through! I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU!" and then she started to cry.

"Well the more you hate me, the better I feel." I said without any care.

She just kept on crying, I couldn't stand her crying so I told her this:

"Remember one time when we were talking about how you felt about jail, you told me that if you weren't on death row you would be on vacation? Well guess what? Vacation's over bitch!"

And with that I took her out of the chokehold and slammed her skank ass to the ground. Then I picked her up by the root of her hair and bring her close to the steps.

"GOING DOWN!"

I threw that bitch down the steps, laughing at her ever second that she was tumbling down. When the tumbling end, she was lying on the floor downstairs crying in pain. I went down the steps and kicked her on her tits just for good measure. Then I found some thumb tacks and spread it all over the floor. I then grabbed her and threw her on to it. She was screaming in agony. Then I grabbed her by the root of her hair and dragged her body on the remaining thumb tacks on the floor. I then had her standing up, it was hard for her since she was in great pain but I didn't give a fuck.

"Well I know that you like threesomes and swinging both ways so let me introduce to you a good friend of mine that also likes swinging both ways." And then I pulled out The Solution. Yes The Solution, a modified cricket bat with a titanium core in the middle and the rainbow flag near the tip of the bat so that those people will know who the bat was made for. I then beat the shit out of her with it, she learned the hard way the The Solution 'swings both ways' too, LOL!"

I wasn't done yet. I grabbed two 4x4 boards and set them up like a cross. I then put Snowball's body on top of them and got some duct tape. I taped Snowballs legs behind the board, it left the area between her legs open. Then I taped Snowballs wrist and finger to the board, leaving the palms exposed.

"You're gonna find out by practice how I killed Jenna. You're going to be an example of what happens when people try to fuck with me."

She was now screaming and begging me to stop it, so I put the duct tape over her mouth just to shut her up. I then found some long nails and a hammer and nailed both of her hands to the board. Then I pull out the Raging Bulldagger. Yes the Raging Bulldagger, a strong and sturdy dagger with a bull's head at the bottom and decorated with sapphires on one side and black triangles on the other side. It was made for those hypocritical, contradicting, closet-enjoying, porn dykes. But as soon as I was about to stab her I saw something in front of me. It was an electrical hand buzzsaw, so I grabbed the buzzsaw and turned it on. I saw the total fear and tears that were coming out of her eyes. She was so scared that she started to sweat blood, that made it more interesting.

I was deciding where to start, at her neck or between her legs. It only took a few seconds for me to decided and I started right between her legs. I sawed all the way up to but not including her neck. The bitch was already dead.

"Now you will get my version of 'Deep Throat'."

I said that even though I knew she was already dead, so I took the buzzsaw and stuck it right on her throat, but the blade on the buzzsaw got stuck by all the hair that was in her throat, so I just left it there. I did me, Yvonne and Jim a favour, she at one time or another screwed all of us.

"Now that I'm done with her, I need to see one more person."


END OF PART 2, CHAPTER 3



Chapter 4: Dribble These Balls

I was at the house of John Amaechi, a never-was NBA basketball player from England who recently came out. Well now I'm gonna put him where he belongs, in the closet, better yet six feet deep. I was able to break into his house easily (like I said British Home Security ain't worth shit.) and was waiting for him to come home. When he finally came home he was stunned to see me.

"Well what took you so long?"

He didn't say a word for he knew what was gonna happen to him. There I was dribbling a basketball while he was looking.
"Why do men dribbling with big balls turn you on? Is that why you really joined the NBA?"

"No I love the game of basketball, well I used to but now I don't watch it anymore."

"So what do you do now?"

"I collect Princess Diana memorabilia, watch countless episodes of 'Are You Being Served' and 'Queer As Folk' on the telly (TV), and help my girlfriends shop for the latest clothes and curtains."

"Yeah, you really are a fruity, French, flaming, flamboyant, fudge packing, faerie, fire hosing, feminine, fruit cake, fairy cake, fingering buttholes faggot, and I don't mean meatballs although I know you like to have 'meatballs' in your mouth, but instead have this 'meatball':"

So I stopped dribbling the basketball and chest pass it right at his mouth. His stumbled a little bit and his lips were busted.

"Are you disappointed that those balls can't fit in your mouth? You know they weren't made to be in your mouth, LOL."

"You bloody bastard!"

He was taller than me thus he had a reach advantage over me, so I knew I had to bring him down. I quickly went up to him and kneed him in the balls three times. Then I grabbed his bald head and continuously slammed it on the table like a basketball.

"Now that's what I call 'dribbling', LOL."

After that I pulled out The Solution. Then I beat the living fuck out of that fairy faggot with it. I told him "You know you're a disgrace to your Nigerian heritage by proclaiming that you belong to a group of people that sucks dick."

I brought him to the washroom and dunked his head in the toilet. He was struggling to get his head out

"SLAM DUNK!"

I then pull his head out of the lemonade-color water and said "Hey why are you complaining? Aren't you used to having pee all over you with those golden showers? LOL!"

However he spits the urinated water on my face, I can't believe he would do that nasty shit to me. He made a big mistake in making me mad, now this father-fucker is gonna pay!

"You tall-ass, dick-sucking, asshole-licking bitch! I'M GONNA GIVE YOU SOME SERIOUS PAIN!"

So I grabbed that effeminate homo by his neck and smashed his head into every window I can find in the house, then I kicked him in the stomach and punched him in the eye. Then I grabbed my Taser Gun and stung him right on his balls. He was screaming like the sissy he is.

"No wonder why you was never good in the NBA, your limp-wristed style isn't effective in basketball."

Then I tied him to his chair with some electrical cords (flex, lead, or whatever the fuck they say in Britain), I don't have anymore barb wires.

"Now let me bring you down to a smaller size."

So I got a chainsaw and then started to cut his body to half.

"OH MY BLOODY GOD! NO! NO!"

The poof is now dead.

Now that I'm done with Cassie, Roisin, Snowball and John, I think I'll go relax,


Or I can visit Shareen one more time....

THE END OF PART 2

Bendback Molehille

05.13.08 (7:36 pm)   [edit]
Title: Bendback Molehill
Author: DaSolution
Rating: R or M
Warnings: Language, Violence
Summary: Ennis and Jack went to one of their "fishing trips", little did they know it will be there last
Disclaimer: Don't own any characters of Bareback Mountain nor do I want to.

"I can't believe this is happening to me!"  Alma said sobbingly.  "What did I do to deserve this?  I mean I've been a good wife and everything, but it just doesn't seem enough."

"You did nothing wrong Alma, it's just that your husband is fucked up in the head." I said trying to reassure her. 

She was getting upset over her husband's (Ennis) frequent "fishing trips" with his butt buddy Jack.  Alma knows the true relationship between those two when she found them passionately kissing each other.

"But he's a man!  I was raised to believe that a man is for a woman and vice versa.  I don't know what else to do, so that's why I called you over here.  Their fishing trips have become the hottest gossip around here.  My daughter constantly gets teased about it and I can't walk into the salon without some of the girls looking at me funny or snickering."

She called me over to take care of that embarrassing situation her husband created on the family.

"OK, don't worry about it Alma, I'll straighten him and his fudge-packing friend out."

Through reliable sources I found out that they were in Texas.  I'm not surprised that they're in Texas because Texas only has two things: steers and queers.  When I got to Texas I was able to track them down.  I never like coming down to Texas with all the rednecks and obnoxious conservative jerks that lives there.  It’s basically like Alberta times 10.

They were actually staying in a ranch down there.   Well since I’m here in Texas, the land of cowboys (also the land of Republicans and rednecks), I decided to take them out cowboy style.  So I put on a Ten-Gallon hat, a belt with a big-ass belt buckle that cowboys like to wear, some cowboy boots, and a tight-ass red and black plaid shirt with some tight-ass jeans to go along with it.  The shirt didn’t do a good job of covering up my muscles and the jeans made my ass stick out, and they wonder why fags like to fantasise about cowboys so much… And to top it off I got myself a horse.

I learned how to ride a horse when I spent some time in Mongolia.  Those horseback riders over there are simply amazing. Truth be told, I never liked cowboys because they killed many Blacks and First Nations, or what Americans would call them "Native Americans".  Even when I was a kid watching those old Westerns I wanted those so-called “redskins” to scalp those pale-skinned bastards. 

While I was riding to the ranch I was singing the song “Rawhide”, you know the song that the Blues Brothers made popular…

I finally spotted the ranch, but I was actually hearing noises from the tent:

"Yeah baby ride me like a bronco.” Ennis said to Jack.

“I’m ridin’ you all right.  Yeah I’m ridin’ your rump.  I’m gonna fill you full of cum!”

Oh my god, speaking of “Rawhide” I was seeing the uncensored version right in front of me.  So I had to put an end to this gay porno shit right away.  With two six-shooters in my hand pointing to those cum-drinking, cock-sucking cowboys I told them this:

“The bareback-ridin’ rodeo show is over bitches. You rump-riding faggots disgust me and everyone else.  Fill him full of cum?  What the fuck?!  I should fill you full of lead for making that statement.”

Jack and Ennis quickly got up and they were naked with Jack’s dick covered with Ennis’…

“Holy shit!”  I said in disgust while closing my eyes and turning my face away from the nasty shit I just saw.  “Wipe yourselves off and put on your god-damn clothes you fudge-packing fairy!”

They got on their clothes and then Ennis said this nervously:

“Oh shit, I know who you are.  You came here to kill us!  You’ve killed many gays and lesbians.  Look, I’m not gay; I was… experimenting, yeah.”

When he said that I was thinking to myself “Mother fucker please…”

“Look he tricked me into this.  He made me do it!”

Jack responded “What!  Are you for real!  We’ve been doing this for many years.”

“Well you took advantage of me when we were drunk that night.” Ennis replied back.

“I did not you lying sack of horseshit!  I did not do anything to you that you didn’t like.”

“Yeah but you ruined my marriage!”

Oh my god those two were arguing like two bitches on a Flavor of Love show.  I had to quickly put an end to this hissy fight before these two ass-lickers drove me nuts.

“Will you two dick-suckers shut da fuck up!”

They both quickly looked at me with disgust.

“I don’t care who started it, who seduced who, or whose turn is it to be the bottom.  It doesn’t matter anyway because I’m gonna kick both of your gay asses.”  I was gonna tell them that I was gonna put my foot up their asses but they probably would enjoy it.

“Not if I do something about it!”  Jack said foolishly.

He made an even more foolish move by trying to attack me.  He charged at me with his fist cocked back and tried to swing at my face.  However I blocked it and gave him a left jab to his face followed by a few combos.  Amazingly he blocked one of my punches and punched me right in my gut.  He gave me a few of his combos and tried to finish me off with an uppercut, but before he could pull it off I tackled him and we started tumbling on the ground.  During the fight I saw that brown hatter Ennis took his brown cowboy hat and started to run away like the scared bitch he was, so much for being a cowboy.  There was nothing I could do about it then since me and Jack was still fighting.  Eventually I got the upper hand and I was on top of Jack (not that way!)  I was punching him in the face, enough to weaken him so that he wouldn’t get up but yet it wouldn’t kill him.  By the time I was done he had a busted lip and a swollen eye.

Now it was time for me to get that punk Ennis.  Luckily the area was very flat and it had very little trees, so I was able to see where he ran.  I got on my horse and had my lasso ready.  He wasn’t running very fast until he heard my horse galloping.  Then he tried run like a cheetah but those cowboy boots weren’t made for running.  As soon as I got close to him I was able to rope him and bring him down.  Bill Pickett would have been proud of me

“Finally, I’ve always wanted to rope a cowboy, after all those times you cowboys have been ropin’ Blacks and First Nations people!”

So I tied him up like a hog and had another rope that was tied to him and the back of my saddle.  Thus with my horse trotting full speed he was dragging on the ground.  The horse kept on moving until I eventually found a tree nearby and tied him up on it.  

I took off his shirt having his back exposed and I told him this: “I’m gonna whip your gay-ass so bad, you’re gonna change your name to Kunta Kinte!”

I have absolutely no remorse for my actions.  My actions are nothing compared to all the shit those bastards did to Blacks and First Nations, in fact I was enjoying it. I always wanted to whip a cowboy, since it seems that the North American general public likes to idolise these fools.  What most people don’t know is that in reality most cowboys back in the so-called “Wild West” days didn’t do much.  They just took care of the herds and drank all day in the saloons.  Those stories of Wild Bill Hickok, Billy the Kid and Wyatt Earp are bullshit. While I was whipping him I told him this:

“You tried to run away from me you punk.  That’s about as dumb as an Australian playing an American cowboy!  Don’t worry; since you like to be the bottom I’m gonna send you down under, six feed down under!  Yep that right, you’re gonna end up the same way that pipe-cleaning faggot in your hometown ended up.”

He was screaming every time I cracked that whip on him and it was music to my ears.  After I got tired of whipping him I got out my branding iron.

“What are you doing?!” He said with fear.

“You’re a mother-fucking cowboy; you should know what a branding iron is and what it’s used for.”

“No please don’t do it!  Please I beg you! No, no, nooooooooo!”

I branded the word “Faggot” on his head.  He was screaming from the pain so I slammed his head on the tree and told him to “Shut da fuck up!”  Now I know it was time for him to meet his fate, so I made a noose and put it around his neck.  It was tight enough for him not to be able to get out but not tight enough for him to totally suffocate.  After that I poured some gasoline on him and lit the match.  Before I threw the match on him I told him this:

“If you ever meet Heath Ledger ‘down under’, tell him I said ‘How’s the barbie down under’!“  

With that ending I threw the match on him and watch him and the tree burn to crisp.

Now I can focus on that predatory poof Jack.  That butt pirate gonna suffer now for trying to beat me up.  I rode back to where I punked that ass-rammer, carrying my branding iron and another weapon.  He was still lying there unconscious as I expected, so I gently woke him.

“Wake your gay ass up!”  I kicked him on his ribs when I told him that.

He was still holding his ribs when I picked him up by his hair and started to punch him.  After I gave him a few punches I told him this:

“So you think you’re a bad-ass butch fag, huh?  Well you ain’t shit!  I’ve met and killed manlier homos in San Francisco, Montreal, and the entire countries of France and Greece.  Hell, the Cowboy from the group The Village People is more of a man than you are.  What were you thinking coming down here to Texas?  Don’t you know queer hunting is a favourite pastime here?  People down here would be happy that I killed your cum-filled ass.”

So I picked up my favourite weapon, The Solution.  Yes The Solution, a modified cricket back with a titanium centre inside for devastating effects.  I got it from my trip to England .  As soon as he got back up I swung my bat right at his jaw, breaking it.  

“Good, now you won’t be sucking dicks anymore.”

Then I took my branding iron and burned “Predatory Poof” on his forehead.  Now it’s time for me to finis him off.  I made a noose and put it on his neck.  Then I took the other end of the rope and tied it to my saddle. Then I hit the horse to go full speed, the horse was galloping at full speed for a few minutes.  Then I told the horse to stop so I can check up on Jack, sure enough he was dead.

Now that it’s over I can go back to regular civilization.

THE END


This is dedicated to Heath Ledger, go burn in hell.

This Bloddy Island Part 1: From England to Espana

05.13.08 (7:28 pm)   [edit]

Here I am sitting in British Snobs Airways finally landing on Heathrow Airport. This is not my first time being in this country but I came here to get a job done. After taking care of Christian, Kimber and Kit back in Miami, those people from PFLAG to GLAAD to L.E.G.I.T. to Canadian and American Human Rights Campaign were looking for me. As well, while I was created hell back on the other side of the Atlantic I heard about the escape that three nutty dykes did from Larkhall, so I decided to come here since it's time for me to straighten out the situation here. But with the high prices, snotty attitudes, small cramped houses, stupid CCTV cameras that don't do shit, paying for stupid things like for using fork and spoon in a restaurant, gloomy weather, incompetent police, long waiting lines and services, taxes, and even more taxes; I can't stand This Bloody Island!


Name: DaSolution
Title: This Bloody Island (A four-part series) - Part 1: From England To Espana
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bad Girls, they belong to Shed Productions and ITV and Homo, excuse me I mean Logo. I sure as hell don't want Shell, the girl is crazy.
Fandom: Bad Girls
Pairing: Shell/Denny/Shaz
Rating: R
Summary: On my trip to England I meet Shell, Denny and Shaz, but not in England.

Chapter 1: This Bloody London Town

I'm already starting to hate this bloody island, it takes three hours to go through customs and that's worse than JFK Airport in New York City. Then it takes another two hours to get my rental car since people are rather lazy and incompetent here. What do I get for a car (or as they say here 'auto')? A Renault "Le Car." Le Crap is more like it, a piece of shit that was gotten rid of 20 years ago back on the other side of the Atlantic. To make matters worse the car had hardly any gas! I waited for a god damn two hours and these assholes didn't bother to fill up the tank. So I had to get some 'petrol' which is ridiculously high here, due to all the taxes that are put on it. I have no problems with taxes IF the money was used properly but the fact is that this country looks, feels and runs like it's only a recession away from being a Third World country, I don't understand where's the money going.

God I want to leave this country as fast as I can, Cape Breton looks more developed than this pathetic country. The one bright side is that my friend Jim Fenner offered me a place to stay while I'm here, so I'm gonna take advantage of it. I'm also trying to get adjusted to driving on the left and watching for those stupid speed checks that are around the motorway (their term for highway).

When I finally got to Jim's house in West London, I always hated the fact that you have to pay parking here or pretty much everywhere in London! So I finally got to the house and knocked on the door.

"Hey mate, it's good to see you again!" Jim said with excitement.

"Same here."

I met Jim the last time I came here. I was actually working for Yvonne Atkins, during that time she was serving time in Larkhall. She got news that someone was extorting her girls, so she wanted me to see who was extorting them. I found out that Jim was behind this and that he was a Prison Officer (PO) at Larkhall, so when I met him at one of the bars (or pubs as they say here) we fought. He was a better fighter than I thought but I still won and when I was about to kill him he told me he could be of help to me. He had strong connections with the Police, Scotland Yards, politicians, and lot of other important people. With his connections I was able to find Margaret Thacher and kill that bitch once and for all. It was just the usual when we meet, we talk a lot of shit while we drink our beer (or as they say 'pints').

"So how's things on the other side of the pond?" referring to North America of course.

"Well I had to leave after I killed off a flaky Plastic Surgeon, his girlfriend and their slut."

There was short silence while Jim looked at me with a look that says Bollocks! Do you take me as a bloody fool? I know it's more than just that.

"Well it was more than that, I killed two girls in Orange County, California; I killed two other girls in Los Angeles; Buried a girl alive in Philadelphia, later on they found her brain dead; Killed all four women of Sex In The City, especially Kim Catrell and Cyntia Nixon whom I tortured and maimed before I killed them; got rid of Painkiller Jane; Nailed and cruxified Jenna Jameson on a cross; Blew up the Human Rights Campaign building; Burned down West Hollywood; Blew up Baltimore; Started an anti-gay riot in Greenwich Village; crashed that queer parade in Toronto for the fifth straight year; crashed a lot of gay and lesbian marriages in Massachusettes and Canada; blew up or burned down most swinging clubs in Canada after they passed that law; started and anti-French Canadian and anti-gay riot in Montreal; killed all the bisexual females and males in Vancouver; blackmailed more celebrities and Fortune 500 executives; began close ties with Iran, North Korea, and Hizbollah; tried to start a "Beat Up A Tory" program in Canada; tried to kidnap Canadian Prime Minister Stepen Harper (like what I did to then-Prime Minister Brian Mulroney); gave advice to Hugo Chavez; worked with Al-Qaeda in eliminating all gay, lesbian and bisexual Muslims; nuked San Francisco and the Island of Lesbos; tried to nuke France again; you know the usual stuff."

"Oh, doing your usual arsekicking on those people, LOL you haven't changed a bit."

"Did you ever expect me too?"

"Nah, I wouldn't want you to either." Jim said with a short laugh at the end.

"However I'm surprised that you came back here after what you did to actress Saffron Burrows, actor Alan Cummings and many other people the last time you were here. People are still angry at the way you tortured and killed them. I mean I have no problems with beating and torturing those people but you skinned her alive and decapitated his head!" Jim said.

"I kinda miss fucking up those people in this piss-poor country." And that's the only thing I like about this country, I can get away with a lot of shit.

"Well my pitbulls needed some food and since she was one of those people and I never liked her acting skills I though it would be perfect. Besides my pitbulls like white meat." I said with a grin.

Jim was stunned at first for what I said then he chuckled and said "Oh dear, you was always a cheeky bastard."

"And a dangerous and funny cheeky bastard at that!" said with a silly grin on my face.

We just laughed after my comment and then drank some more beer (pints... :-P)

Then Jim brought up a subject I haven't heard of for a while: "I know you know something about the Sapphire Sisters, can you tell me more about them?"

I was surprised to hear that name again, it's been a long time since I wiped out those man-hating muff divers. We're talking about the mid-90s, way before the Jessie and Katie incident.

"Why you asked Jim?"

"Well recently I saw a inmate who had on a stunning sapphire ring that look very much like what they used to wear, based on what you described to me the last time we met."

"Oh shit... I hope they're not coming back. Those tall-ass, big-tittied Amazonian bitches were hard to get rid of, it took me 2 years to get rid of most of them. In fact it was just two years ago when I got rid of the last one, Painkiller Jane. Killing them was so difficult that I had to get a weapon made specially for them, and thus that's how I got the Raging Bulldagger."

Let me stop here for a minute, the Raging Bulldagger is a strong and sturdy dagger with a bull's head at the bottom and decorated with sapphires on one side and black triangles on another. Continuing on...

"So that's why you have sapphires on one side of that dagger of yours!"

"Yes, I had it put on there so that they will know who the dagger was made for."

"But why the black triangles?"

"Well it's also another way to tell who the dagger was made for. In Nazi Germany, any women who were found of performing "unnatural sexual acts" were sent to the camps with a black triangle worn on their clothes. Most of them were queers, thus that's why you see some dykes wearing black triangles."

"Oh, that makes sense now."

"I don't think they're back, I think it's just like a 'tribute' or a 'dedication' to them. Like those retro jerseys people wear back in North America."

However it did disturb me that he brought that up, I haven't seen or heard anything or anybody about the Sapphire Sisters for a long time. I'm praying to God they're not back.

"Hmmm, well the inmates are trying to start a group it seems. Denny and Shaz seemed to be in the group before they escaped."

"Well if I were you I would keep an eye on them. The group said that they were trying to promote 'feminine love' which is true but they were also trying to eliminate the male gender. They were researching on how they can use a woman's DNA to impregnate another woman. Now if you know anything about woman's chromosomes is that they're XX and a man's chromosomes are XY. If one woman gets another woman pregnant she has no Y chromosome to give, thus they can have only female babies."

"Oh bloody shit...."

"Yeah, plus they were trying to spread male-only diseases like prostate cancer to eliminate all the males on this planet."

"Jesus Christ, those cunts are more dangerous than I thought. I need to put an end to this in Larkhall, or else the men that works there are going to be in big trouble."

"Yeah, but don't make it too apparent, you want to surprise them so they won't be able to react."

"Anyways I got you that new weapon that you asked me about, this decent chap that I know was able to make it. Let me get it for you."

So Jim went into the living room and picked up a long bag. He opened the bag a pulled out a cricket bat, however it's not just a regular cricket bat. It's a modified cricked bat with titanium in the centre and at the tip of the bat the colors of the rainbow flag (just so I can rub it on those people when I beat the shit out of them.) On both sides of the bat it is written "The Solution".

"Thanks man! I've been wanting to get The Solution for quite a while. I can't wait to use it!" I said with an evil grin on my face. I was acting like a kid who got his favourite Christmas gift.

"Why did you named it 'The Solution'?"

"Becuase it's The Solution to the problem of dealing with those people: beat the shit out of them!"

Jim at this time seemed to be in his own world. Judging by the expression on his face he was thinking about something very important, it probably has to do with the escape.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"Well I was thinking about how Shell, Denny and Shannon (Shaz) escaped from jail. I actually gave the keys for Shell to escape and she took Denny and Shannon along with her."

When he said that I didn't know whether to be shocked or to knock the fuck out of him. "WHAT!!! YOU DUMB MOTHER FUCKER! How could you do that! You know that Shell loves Denny more than anyone else even though she would like to think otherwise. She rather eat her pussy than suck your dick. Did you really think she loves you?"

"No but I didn't think she would actually bring Denny along. She told me that Denny was only a plaything."

"No you're her plaything. Yvonne told me everything, how she used to sing to her when they were lying in bed together, did she ever did that with you?"

"No, but you still talking to that slapper Yvonne?" Jim said with disgust in his face. Jim and Yvonne don't like each other, just the word itself makes his blood boil and his teeth clinch. He helped get Yvonne out of jail but it was by no means voluntarily. After the fight we had, I told him he owes me one since I let him live. He gladfully agree to fulfil any of my wishes until I told him that I wanted Yvonne out. That really got him mad but I reminded him that he owes me. To this day those two don't talk to each other.

"Yes, may I remind you that if it wasn't for Yvonne we would never meet." That shut him up real quick.

"But back to the more important question, why the fuck did you let that crazy bitch out?!"

"Well a director came to our prison to film a docu-drama. She wanted to interview some of the prisoners in Larkhall, those who volunteered of course. Shell volunteered and when they talked to her she gave hints of our relationship. I was afraid that she would tell more about what went on between us so I made copies of the prison keys for her." He then paused for a while when he started to feel the grief and guilt that he created on himself. "Shit, what did I do?"

"Well you could have told me Jim, I would have straighten her out right then and there."

"I wasn't really thinking at the time. I was so scared that she would expose everything about our relationship."

"Well what's done is done, now where could they be Jim? I'm sure with the combination of all three of their IQs being 81 they would leave some sort of clues."

"Actually there is one, Larkhall got a package from Denny Blood that was postmarked in Seville, Spain. Since I work the morning shift I was able to get it before anyone else. Maybe that can be of help to you?"

"Actually it can be, thanks. Why don't you come along?"

"I can't, I used up most of my holidays and plus I want no one to know about my involvement with Shell."

"OK I understand clearly."

"One thing you can do for me mate." He said to me with a serious look in his eyes.

"Make sure that slag (slut) Shell doesn't ever come back to Larkhall, understood?" Now his face was stone cold when he said it, I knew what he really meant and as his friend I will obliged to it.

"Not a problem Jim." I responded assuringly. I wanted that stupid slut dead as much as he did.

"Besides you need a short holiday from this country. Those people really, really, really hate you."

"Good. The more they hate me, the better I feel."

From the information I was able to gather from Jim and from the Spanish Police I was able to figure out where they were located, so I flew to Seville, Spain and started to look for them.


END of PART 1, CHAPTER 1




Chapter 2: Las Tortilleras

I found out where they were located in Seville, it was at a small villa. How did they get a villa like that I don't know, but I know that they won't be having their peaceful vacation too long...

When I arrived there that little hobbit Shaz was the only one there. She was in the kitchen stunned to see me.

"Oh bloody Jesus, it's you!"

"Damn right bitch!"

"Please don't hurt me, please." That little imp was on her knees begging for mercy and crying like a little girl. It was like looking at a tree stump, it was the perfect opportunity to pimp smack her.

"SMACK! Shut da fuck up bitch. You Mini-Me Midget Ho!"

Then I started to beat the shit out of that Keebler Elf. She was now crying and cover with blood. However amazingly she got up and tried to do a Roundhouse kick on me. Me, being a master in Martial Arts, was able to dodge it and surprised her with two quick lefts and then I gave her a Roundhouse kick of my own. She flew to the other side of the room. Then she came back up and try to rush me, but it was really pathetic. It was just like the scene from Spaceballs, when she came about my arm's distance I stuck my arm out and was holding her head. She was trying to hit me but all she was hitting was the air, like I said it was really pathetic. I was trying my best not to laugh. After I got bored with her trying to beat me up, I pushed her back.

"Hey Spaz."

"IT'S SHAZ!"

"Whatever, Al might have kicked your ass back in Larkhall, but the asskicking you got from her ain't nothing what I'm gonna do to your vertically-challenged ass!"

I grabbed that White Pygmy and pull out my branding iron. I then burned 'PYGMY' on her forehead and laughed at her.

"Now when people see you, they're gonna laugh at your White Pygmy's ass like what I'm doing now, LOL."

By then she was all in tears, so I laughed more. I didn't give a shit.

Then I grabbed her by the throat and threw that poor excuse for a little boy to the other side of the room. Just when I was about to kill her, dumb-ass Denny Blood comes in.

"Wots goin' on?" she asked just like the stupid-ass dimwitted dyke bitch she is. I thought this was my perfect opportunity to test out The Solution.

"Beating the shit out of your deformed girl."

It took a while for those dead brain cells to work, but when they did she realise who I was.

"Oh bloody hell! Its you! Da one who killed Marissa and Alex back in da States!" she said with lots of nervousness and fear.

She tried to run out of the villa but I was too quick for her and as soon as I got her I picked her up from her throat and slam the stupid bitch through the table. Then I grabbed a vase from another table and smashed it on her head. Shaz tried to jump in but I quicky grabbed her and had both of them headbutt each other. After that I grabbed both of them and slammed them on the wall, twice to make sure they know not to fuck with me. I threw Shaz on the floor so I can concentrate on Denny. I knew what was perfect for this mixed nut, and thus I pull out The Solution.

"Oh wot is dat?"

"It's The Solution bitch! A modified cricket bat made to take care of confused nuts like you. I know you don't go both ways however the Solution does but not in the same way."

"Wot do ya mean?"

That tuna fish-eating bitch is really that god damn stupid.

"This is what I mean, CRACK!" I hit her in the back with the solution. I then hit her in the ribs and then in the back of the head. Spaz was screaming like crazy.

"STOP IT PLEASE!!! STOP IT!!!"

"SHUT DA FUCK UP YOU LITTLE TURD!!!"

Then I hit Shaz with The Solution right on her lips. I think she lost a couple of teeth because of it. I then start to beat up Denny more with The Solution till she couldn't get up anymore. Now she was lying in the floor crying. I felt like it was time to pull out the Raging Bulldagger. She saw the bulldagger and was terrified.

"Oh no it's da Raging Bulldagger, you won't use it on me."

God damn that bitch was stupid, I need to shut her up and kill her quickly before she pisses me off more.

"Hell yeah bitch, but I'm not gonna stick it in you. Instead I'm gonna do something else..."

I then used my right hand to squeeze her cheeks so that her tongue will stick out.

"Remember when that stupid stumpy boy-dyke girlfriend of yours Spaz gave you that 'tongue piercing'? Well I'm gonna give you something else."

So with the Raging Bulldagger on my left hand I cut off her tongue. Blood begin to flow like crazy from her mouth. Good, I don't have to listen to that dumb-ass lezzie anyomre.

"Now you will finally live up to your name, Daniella BLOOD, LOL. Also now you can't eat anymore pussy, you bearded clam smacking, tortilla flapping, cunt-juice drinking, confused dyke. That also means you can't tongue Spaz on BOTH of her lips, LOL!"

Then I grabbed a branding iron and burned "RETARD" on that disgusting dyke's forehead. Now Ren and Stumpy were lying on the floor with Spaz begging for mercy and Denny just crying because I made sure she can't eat anymore pussy. They were also holding each other's hands trying to comfort each other.

"AHHH, ain't that sweet...fuck no!"

So I stepped on their hands with the Timberland boots I was wearing, breaking a few bones on their hands. They were crying even more and I was laughing even more. Then I noticed something, they were both wearing sapphire rings.

"Oh, Sapphire Sister rings. You don't mind if I take them do you?"

Before they could say anything I chopped their ring fingers off with the Raging Bulldagger and took their rings as a souvenir.

I decided it was time to finish them off, so I found some electrical cables connected to the villa, cut them and stick them on the back of their heads, giving them my own version of electro-shock therapy. They were screaming like hell, well Denny was trying to but she can't because her tongue was cut off. Their eyes started to pop out of their socket and then their head started to get bigger and bigger and finally their heads exploded.



END OF PART 1, CHAPTER 2

Chapter 3: Evil Personified meets Evil Defined

20 minutes after killing that coochie-playing rodent Shaz and that borderline-retard Denny, I was preparing myself for the biggest challenge yet: Shell Dockley. When she finally came to the villa she was shocked to see what had happen to Denny, she didn't give a shit about Shaz though. It's only after I finish killing Shell that the situation will finally straighten out.

"Denny... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

She was crying like a battered housewife and was wailing like a whale (or Anita Baker, same difference). I just stood behind her while she kept going on just waiting for her to notice me. Eventually she did and when she noticed me she was stunned and frozen.

"Hello Shell."

"Oh no, it's the bloody devil himself. I knew it had to be you, Fenner is not that wicked but you are."

"So?"

She was lost for words when I didn't show any compassion for what I've done, like she knows anything about compassion...

"Shell, the judge may have called you Evil Personified, but what you're looking at is the true definition of Evil. I'm Evil Defined, Tuna Breath. If you look up the word 'evil' in a dictionary and right next to the word you'll see a picture of me with a Magnum on one hand and me sticking out my middle finger with the other."

"Remember it was my face on the cover of Life magazine with the words 'Evil Defined' on it." Numerous newspapers, magazines, queer websites, and others in England were calling me Evil Defined.

"Besides you like bad men don't you Shell? That's what turns you on about Fenner, even with massive bags under his eyes."

"Yes I do."

"So girl, show me how bad and naughty you are."

Shell came up to me and started to kiss me, she tried to kiss me on the lips but there's no way in the world that I was gonna let a nasty wrench like that kiss me on my lips. After that she started to kiss me all over my neck, and all I was thinking about was that I was gonna need a chemical bath. Then she took off my shirt and started to kiss me all over, I was just waiting til she got to the right position. Then when she was about to get between my legs I kneed her in the face. Blood was pouring all over her face and it looked like she lost a few of her teeth.

"Bitch do you think that I was gonna fuck that contaminated pussy of yours? HELL NO! I rather fuck that no-talent actress/ho Debra Stephenson than you!"

I grabbed her by her throat with one hand and then slammed her through another table in the villa. Then I grabbed her by her hair and slammed her on the wall face first. I then started to drag her body on the floor all over the house making sure she hits everything on the floor.

I then stood her up and got myself ready to kick her in her crotch. She was barely able to stand but I made sure that she can by pulling her hair. I then put all of my power into that left foot of mine and kicked her right between her legs...BIG MISTAKE! Somehow most of my foot was inside her coochie! That bitch's cunt is like the Grand Canyon!

"Ah ha, I got you now you prick!" Shell said in her usual evil excitement.

So somehow with my foot still stuck up in her Black Hole she dragged me to an opening with two walls on the side. There I was in the middle of the opening not knowing what that bitch with the Mariana's Trench pussyhole was gonna do to me. Then she started to swing her body left to right, what that did was made my head and part of my shoulder hit each side of the wall alternatively.

"LOL, Now for the first time ever you're swinging both ways!"

I didn't find that joke funny at all. I rather be dead than to be swinging both ways, swingers/bisexuals are the lowest form of human beings on this planet. They are in the bottom of the gene pool, they're irrelevant, they're nothing but parasites, and they can't be trusted at all.

She eventually stopped the swinging because she herself was getting dizzy. For the first time in a while it looks like I was gonna get beaten, I was having a massive headache and I was also having double vision. I then remember what my master taught me in school: "Remember son, you can't always rely on your eyes. You have four others senses, so use them." Then I heard what sounded like a broken glass. I was thinking to myself Shell has broken some glass....oh shit! I remember Jim telling me his story of how Shell stabbed him with broken glass after she was performing foreplay on him.

I then did some quick thinking on what to do next while still remembering the quote from my master. So using my sense of hearing and my sense of smell to detect her close proximity (her pussy stanks) I kicked the shit out of Shell with my right foot on her chest. She flew five metres and finally my left foot was free from her nasty snatch. But it was sticky with green stuff on it and some blood and... it so nasty I don't wanna talk about it!

Thus while she was lying on the floor unconscience, I quickly went into the washroom and washed my feet. Then I came back and saw Shell still lying there, so I waked her up using The Solution. Then I hit her a few times with The Solution, by now that Fence Jumper was no longer tough, she was begging for my mercy. I think it was time for me to finish her off once and for all.

So I tied her to a chair with barbed wires and then started to talk to her.

"You know you are the worst type of dyke there is."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you are a dyke in denial. You would rather eat Denny's pussy than suck any man's dick. You used to constantly tease Nikki Wade about it but you were no better, you dirty hypocrite. Those are types of dykes, fags, and especially bisexuals I hate the most and the ones I pursue the most as well. The ones that are hypocrites and who enjoys being in the closet."

"How do you know that? What proof do you got?"

"That fact that you sing to Denny in bed to show you affection. You get jealous when Denny is hugging and kissing Shaz. And of course the girl you killed..."

"What about her?"

"Well you didn't kill her because she was going out with your boyfriend, you killed her because she wasn't returning your affection! You sent her flowers and candies on her birthday. You winked at her numerous times. You sent her love letters a few times. You even planned to have a tattoo of her on your ass! You're nothing more than a psycho-lezbo."

By now even though her face was bloodied you could still see the stunned look on her face.

"Oh there's more! You never loved your boyfriend, you just wanted a kid or two from him so he can pay for Child Support and you end up with the money. The other reason why you dated him is because he knew a lot of pretty girls and you were gonna go through him to get to them. The last reason why you killed that girl is because you though if you couldn't have her, no one else will. Now how do I know all this? Your now ex-boyfriend told me!"

By then some tears were showing on her face, which cleaned off the blood a little bit. Then I notice something, a shining sapphire ring!

"And here's the latest proof of your dykiness, a Sapphire Sisters ring!" So I bit her ring finger and took the ring as a souvenir.

I then told her "Don't worry, I know just the product to clean you face." So I got some rubbing alcohol and poured most of it on her already-peroxide hair of hers then poured the rest on her face. It burned but I didn't give a damn. Then I lit a match and threw it on top of her head. She was screaming and hollering while she was getting burned. Then the whole villa was on fire but by that time I was long gone.

"Oh shit, I have to meet someone later tonight in London, I hope I will make it on time."


END OF CHAPTER 1, PART 3



Chapter 4: Zip Me Up Before You Go-Go/WHAMming in the public washroom (pick your favourite title).

I was able to get to London on time to meet someone on a 'date', if you wanna call it like that. The meeting place was going to be at a public washroom near Alexandre Palace (or as those silly Londoner would say 'Ally Pally'). You'll find out later why.

I can't believe I have to pay 50 pence to be in a filthy washroom. At 50 pence the washroom should be as clean as a Greek temple. Instead I'm in a washroom with piss, shit and toilet paper all over the place. I have to put my bag on top of the toilet bowl, it's the only clean place in this shithole. After about 15 minutes he arrive.

"Hey big stud are you around. I'm in need of a Father Figure."

It was none other than that fruity, French, flaming, flamboyant, fudge packing, faerie, fire hosing, feminine, fruit cake, fairy cake, fingering buttholes faggot George Michael. Yep, he still goes to public washrooms and seeks glory in the "glory hole."

"And I'm in need a good suck George." I was rolling my eyes over this lameness. I sounded like that gay dude that Damon Wayan plays on the American show In Living Color.

"How big are you baby?"

"Big and juicy."

What George doesn't know is that what he's about to put his dirty dick-sucking mouth on is acutally a modified silencer that was made in Sweden. It's shaped and feels like a real penis so George wouldn't be able to tell whether or not it's fake, but then again as horny as he was he wouldn't care one bit. As for the silencer itself, those Swedish people are some kinky mother fuckers don't you think?

So I put the modified silencer on my Magnum and place it through the glory hole.

"Oh my Lord, I wanna shove this big boy up my arse."

I was trying to hold my vomit after he made that comment. Oh god I don't want to see or smell his hairy ass, nor do I wanna be cleaning his shit off of my silencer.

"Maybe next time Greek stud, but for now a suck will just do."

As he was about to get a taste of my Big Bite I just remembered one thing.

"Oh I nearly forgot, before you get your treat you gotta do a trick."

A disappointed George then remembers, "Oh yeah, I gotta do that song for you, right?"

"That right sweet buns."

With that I quickly grabbed the tape recorder and started to record. I had to record what he was gonna sing, something tells me it was gonna be a classic.

So George was getting his vocal chords warmed up and then he begin to sing this classic:

Zip me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging in the bathroom oh-no
Zip me up before you go-go
I don't wanna miss it when you shoot up high
Zip me up before you go-go
'cos it's not fun when I do it solo
Zip me up before you go-go
Take my pants off tonight

By now needless to say I was trying my best to hold my laughter. It didn't work too well.

I want to shoot up high...

"OK that's enough." I was trying to say it as serious as possible. I had to stop him because I was gonna die of laughter if he kept on continuing.

"Now you can have your treat."

Then he started to suck on my artificial dick like he was trying to get to the centre of a Tootsie Roll pop. All that time I had to pretend to be having my dick sucked, I was getting very noxious of this. He was saying sick gay shit and I had to listen to this homo crap. About five minutes later he wanted me to cum.

"Oh give me that sauerkraut."

"Oh yeah, just go harder and faster." Oh God help me...

"Oh give me that creme-filling of yours."

"Yeah stud, you're gonna get that creme filling...you're gonna get that creme filling that you can never get out of a Twinkie."

After a minute I felt like it was time.

"Are you cumming hot stuff? I want you to give me the Big Bang you promised." Oh you're gonna get the Big Bang alright...

"Yes I'm cumming...I'm cummin......I'm cum.............I'M CUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN"
During the long expression of me saying "I'm Cumming" I finally pulled the trigger.

"BANG" Well it wasn't loud since it was a silencer, but it was effective.

When I got out of the stall I saw George Michael lying dead on the floor with his mouth open, his right hand on his dick, and blood all over the washroom.

"Zip me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging in the bathroom oh-no
Zip me up before you go-go
I don't wanna miss it when you shoot up high...LOL!"

Oh boy, I can't wait till I play this to my friends back home, they will have a laughing riot!
Now that my job is done I gotta get some rest, Yvonne Atkins want to see me tomorrow and she's not the type of person who you want to be late for...

THE END OF PART 1


Bendback Molehille

05.13.08 (7:16 pm)   [edit]
Title: Bendback Molehill
Author: DaSolution
Rating: R or M
Warnings: Language, Violence
Summary: Ennis and Jack went to one of their "fishing trips", little did they know it will be there last
Disclaimer: Don't own any characters of Bareback Mountain nor do I want to.

"I can't believe this is happening to me!" Alma said sobbingly. "What did I do to deserve this? I mean I've been a good wife and everything, but it just doesn't seem enough."

"You did nothing wrong Alma, it's just that your husband is fucked up in the head." I said trying to reassure her.

She was getting upset over her husband's (Ennis) frequent "fishing trips" with his butt buddy Jack. Alma knows the true relationship between those two when she found them passionately kissing each other.

"But he's a man! I was raised to believe that a man is for a woman and vice versa. I don't know what else to do, so that's why I called you over here. Their fishing trips have become the hottest gossip around here. My daughter constantly gets teased about it and I can't walk into the salon without some of the girls looking at me funny or snickering."

She called me over to take care of that embarrassing situation her husband created on the family.

"OK, don't worry about it Alma, I'll straighten him and his fudge-packing friend out."

Through reliable sources I found out that they were in Texas. I'm not surprised that they're in Texas because Texas only has two things: steers and queers. When I got to Texas I was able to track them down. I never like coming down to Texas with all the rednecks and obnoxious conservative jerks that lives there. It’s basically like Alberta times 10.

They were actually staying in a ranch down there. Well since I’m here in Texas, the land of cowboys (also the land of Republicans and rednecks), I decided to take them out cowboy style. So I put on a Ten-Gallon hat, a belt with a big-ass belt buckle that cowboys like to wear, some cowboy boots, and a tight-ass red and black plaid shirt with some tight-ass jeans to go along with it. The shirt didn’t do a good job of covering up my muscles and the jeans made my ass stick out, and they wonder why fags like to fantasise about cowboys so much… And to top it off I got myself a horse.

I learned how to ride a horse when I spent some time in Mongolia. Those horseback riders over there are simply amazing. Truth be told, I never liked cowboys because they killed many Blacks and First Nations, or what Americans would call them "Native Americans". Even when I was a kid watching those old Westerns I wanted those so-called “redskins” to scalp those pale-skinned bastards.

While I was riding to the ranch I was singing the song “Rawhide”, you know the song that the Blues Brothers made popular…

I finally spotted the ranch, but I was actually hearing noises from the tent:

"Yeah baby ride me like a bronco.” Ennis said to Jack.

“I’m ridin’ you all right. Yeah I’m ridin’ your rump. I’m gonna fill you full of cum!”

Oh my god, speaking of “Rawhide” I was seeing the uncensored version right in front of me. So I had to put an end to this gay porno shit right away. With two six-shooters in my hand pointing to those cum-drinking, cock-sucking cowboys I told them this:

“The bareback-ridin’ rodeo show is over bitches. You rump-riding faggots disgust me and everyone else. Fill him full of cum? What the fuck?! I should fill you full of lead for making that statement.”

Jack and Ennis quickly got up and they were naked with Jack’s dick covered with Ennis’…

“Holy shit!” I said in disgust while closing my eyes and turning my face away from the nasty shit I just saw. “Wipe yourselves off and put on your god-damn clothes you fudge-packing fairy!”

They got on their clothes and then Ennis said this nervously:

“Oh shit, I know who you are. You came here to kill us! You’ve killed many gays and lesbians. Look, I’m not gay; I was… experimenting, yeah.”

When he said that I was thinking to myself “Mother fucker please…”

“Look he tricked me into this. He made me do it!”

Jack responded “What! Are you for real! We’ve been doing this for many years.”

“Well you took advantage of me when we were drunk that night.” Ennis replied back.

“I did not you lying sack of horseshit! I did not do anything to you that you didn’t like.”

“Yeah but you ruined my marriage!”

Oh my god those two were arguing like two bitches on a Flavor of Love show. I had to quickly put an end to this hissy fight before these two ass-lickers drove me nuts.

“Will you two dick-suckers shut da fuck up!”

They both quickly looked at me with disgust.

“I don’t care who started it, who seduced who, or whose turn is it to be the bottom. It doesn’t matter anyway because I’m gonna kick both of your gay asses.” I was gonna tell them that I was gonna put my foot up their asses but they probably would enjoy it.

“Not if I do something about it!” Jack said foolishly.

He made an even more foolish move by trying to attack me. He charged at me with his fist cocked back and tried to swing at my face. However I blocked it and gave him a left jab to his face followed by a few combos. Amazingly he blocked one of my punches and punched me right in my gut. He gave me a few of his combos and tried to finish me off with an uppercut, but before he could pull it off I tackled him and we started tumbling on the ground. During the fight I saw that brown hatter Ennis took his brown cowboy hat and started to run away like the scared bitch he was, so much for being a cowboy. There was nothing I could do about it then since me and Jack was still fighting. Eventually I got the upper hand and I was on top of Jack (not that way!) I was punching him in the face, enough to weaken him so that he wouldn’t get up but yet it wouldn’t kill him. By the time I was done he had a busted lip and a swollen eye.

Now it was time for me to get that punk Ennis. Luckily the area was very flat and it had very little trees, so I was able to see where he ran. I got on my horse and had my lasso ready. He wasn’t running very fast until he heard my horse galloping. Then he tried run like a cheetah but those cowboy boots weren’t made for running. As soon as I got close to him I was able to rope him and bring him down. Bill Pickett would have been proud of me

“Finally, I’ve always wanted to rope a cowboy, after all those times you cowboys have been ropin’ Blacks and First Nations people!”

So I tied him up like a hog and had another rope that was tied to him and the back of my saddle. Thus with my horse trotting full speed he was dragging on the ground. The horse kept on moving until I eventually found a tree nearby and tied him up on it.

I took off his shirt having his back exposed and I told him this: “I’m gonna whip your gay-ass so bad, you’re gonna change your name to Kunta Kinte!”

I have absolutely no remorse for my actions. My actions are nothing compared to all the shit those bastards did to Blacks and First Nations, in fact I was enjoying it. I always wanted to whip a cowboy, since it seems that the North American general public likes to idolise these fools. What most people don’t know is that in reality most cowboys back in the so-called “Wild West” days didn’t do much. They just took care of the herds and drank all day in the saloons. Those stories of Wild Bill Hickok, Billy the Kid and Wyatt Earp are bullshit. While I was whipping him I told him this:

“You tried to run away from me you punk. That’s about as dumb as an Australian playing an American cowboy! Don’t worry; since you like to be the bottom I’m gonna send you down under, six feed down under! Yep that right, you’re gonna end up the same way that pipe-cleaning faggot in your hometown ended up.”

He was screaming every time I cracked that whip on him and it was music to my ears. After I got tired of whipping him I got out my branding iron.

“What are you doing?!” He said with fear.

“You’re a mother-fucking cowboy; you should know what a branding iron is and what it’s used for.”

“No please don’t do it! Please I beg you! No, no, nooooooooo!”

I branded the word “Faggot” on his head. He was screaming from the pain so I slammed his head on the tree and told him to “Shut da fuck up!” Now I know it was time for him to meet his fate, so I made a noose and put it around his neck. It was tight enough for him not to be able to get out but not tight enough for him to totally suffocate. After that I poured some gasoline on him and lit the match. Before I threw the match on him I told him this:

“If you ever meet Heath Ledger ‘down under’, tell him I said ‘How’s the barbie down under’!“

With that ending I threw the match on him and watch him and the tree burn to crisp.

Now I can focus on that predatory poof Jack. That butt pirate gonna suffer now for trying to beat me up. I rode back to where I punked that ass-rammer, carrying my branding iron and another weapon. He was still lying there unconscious as I expected, so I gently woke him.

“Wake your gay ass up!” I kicked him on his ribs when I told him that.

He was still holding his ribs when I picked him up by his hair and started to punch him. After I gave him a few punches I told him this:

“So you think you’re a bad-ass butch fag, huh? Well you ain’t shit! I’ve met and killed manlier homos in San Francisco, Montreal, and the entire countries of France and Greece. Hell, the Cowboy from the group The Village People is more of a man than you are. What were you thinking coming down here to Texas? Don’t you know queer hunting is a favourite pastime here? People down here would be happy that I killed your cum-filled ass.”

So I picked up my favourite weapon, The Solution. Yes The Solution, a modified cricket back with a titanium centre inside for devastating effects. I got it from my trip to England. As soon as he got back up I swung my bat right at his jaw, breaking it.

“Good, now you won’t be sucking dicks anymore.”

Then I took my branding iron and burned “Predatory Poof” on his forehead. Now it’s time for me to finis him off. I made a noose and put it on his neck. Then I took the other end of the rope and tied it to my saddle. Then I hit the horse to go full speed, the horse was galloping at full speed for a few minutes. Then I told the horse to stop so I can check up on Jack, sure enough he was dead.

Now that it’s over I can go back to regular civilization.

THE END


This is dedicated to Heath Ledger, go burn in hell.